Pornography Addiction Among Muslims (Stories & Tips)
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Online porn addiction is a serious problem, not just for Muslims. See this article:
- Two in five Internet users visited an online adult site in August 2005
- 63.4 million unique visitors visited adult websites in December of 2005 reaching 37.2 percent of the internet audience
The previous post on “The Secret Life of Husbands“, part of MM’s “Sex & the Muslim Ummah” series, was sort of a milestone post. It elicited powerful responses, and led to some of the most beneficial discussions on MM. I am happy to see that the series has also spurred off discussions on other blogs in this area.
The value of the comments was not just limited to hearing from those who were personally experiencing these problems, including the “recovering” or the “recovered”, but more importantly, the thread likely provided a glimpse of hope and practical suggestions for the silent majority of other addicts. I know how difficult it is to go through over 100 comments to find relevant information, so I thought it would be useful to collect some of the main points and gems from the readers. This is a very large post, so it is divided into the following sections (click to jump to desired section):
- The Addicts: From the Husband’s Perspective
- The Addicts: From the Wife’s Perspective
- Advice from a “Recovering Addict”
- Islamic Advice
- NLP/Psychological Advice
- Other Advice
- Advice from Shaykh Yasir Qadhi
- A Talk with the Self by Kamal El-Mekki
- In Conclusion, A Success Story with Tips
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1. The Addicts: From the Husband’s Perspective (”Qwerty”):
As someone who is experiencing this fitnah, i can authoritatively tell you that most of your comments that discuss the reasons for why people like me fell into this sin are way off mark. You don’t realize the self-loathing, and hatred a brother has for himself in his day to day life when he remembers what he does when no one is watching but Allah. And if only it was as simple as you guys suggest…
Before i begin, let me say that in this story of my own descent into sin, i blame no one but myself. I will deliberately be vague in some of what i say so that no one finds out who i am. And oh yes, some of you know who i am. But you don’t really know who i am. I am a brother between 25 and 30 with my own family who i love very much and I’ve been practising for many years.
I fell into the fitnah when i was in my teens. I don’t want to go into the details, but soon after i was introduced to pornography, i was hooked on it. What fanned the flames of desire was access to the internet.When i was new to the sin, i would never have dared to buy a dirty mag from the local store out of a sense of shame and embarrassment. But the internet made everything accessible to me, and i could see what i wanted and when i wanted, all in the privacy of my own home. Another problem was that my family resisted when i suggested that i marry in my early 20s. Thus, the absence of a halal outlet for this desire is another factor that has brought me to where i am now.Have you heard the story of Barseesah? Imam Anwar al-Awlaqi mentions it in one of his CD sets. He was a famous worshiper from Bani Israeel, who was led astray step by step by Shaitaan until his last action was to leave the religion. In some ways, my own story over the past 10 years mirrors that.
My addiction began as something small, but step by step over 10 years, it has transformed into something which is at times uncontrollable.The first time i used a credit card on a porn site was after several years of being addicted to porn. It was like i’d crossed a threshold, stepped over an important line. And unfortunately, having crossed that line, i haven’t looked back and have used the card numerous times since. And that is how it is with this sin. You promise yourself for a long time that you won’t cross a certain line, but then you do, and it becomes easy to repeat that sin again. But having crossed that line only once advances you to the next level of sinfulness. So you’re first mistake is looking at a woman lustfully. Then its looking at free porn sites, then its looking at pay porn sites, and so on.My advice to those who are in the early steps of this sin is to never give into the temptation to “go to the next level.” If you admire pretty girls, thats bad, but not as bad as searching for porn on the web. Its a slippery slope that ends with you in a place where a Muslim shouldn’t be.
So why haven’t i sought help?
Dear reader, what haven’t i tried to give up this addiction? Reciting Qur’an, going to talks, activism, du’a, all of that and more. I’ve prayed those prayers in the middle of the night when i thought to myself, “man, i wish i could pray with that much khushoo’ in every salaah” and i made salaam and thought i’d never return to that sin, but then a week, or two weeks later, i was back at it.
But let this next event sum it up for you: me standing in Mecca asking Allah to help me stop committing this sin, asking Allah to kind of like flick off a switch and just bring it to a stop, because i am mentally fatigued by the daily battle inside me between my shameful desires and my Muslim conscience, and i just want it to stop but its proving too difficult right now.
Knowing that i am a practicing Muslim, knowing that there is a day in which i will have to stand in front of Allah and take the rap for these sins, and not having a single plausible excuse come to my mind which i can bring on that day is a horrible feeling. It feels sickening trying to make tawba for this sin, because while asking Allah to forgive me, i felt within myself (and from knowledge of past relapses) that I haven’t really given it up and would fall into it again. That is difficult to come to terms with. Really difficult.And also the guilt that comes from leading a double-life and betraying one’s spouse. This is not how i wanted to be.
I’ve seen my early zeal to learn and practise, and potential to be a productive member of this ummah fade over the years as i spent my time - hours and hours in front of the computer getting up to no good. Some say its due to a lack of imaan, and I agree that it is, but its more complex then that. During these years in which i have sinned I have also memorized 10 juz of the Qur’an: that didn’t come easily, nor without determination, and i would bet that is more than most people who are reading this. I don’t know if that makes me a “better” porn addict than the next porn addict. But I’m certainly with those who are unhappy and want out as opposed to those who just don’t give a damn.
As to solutions, i don’t know. I personally think that it is nigh-on impossible to give it up here in the West once you’re addicted because sex and pretty women are all around you, on the TV, in the streets, at work - everywhere.
Sisters, your husbands go to work and there are pretty women all around. Don’t let it be the case too often that he comes homes to find you wearing some lame tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt - or worse your pajamas.
What about taking another wife? I wouldn’t dismiss that as quickly as some do. What pornography offers is variety: black, white, fat, thin, tall, short, all sorts. Perhaps having a second wife might satisfy a brother’s need for variety. Perhaps not - i can’t say for sure.
What else works? Its a day to day struggle. One day its an ayah, another day its a hadith. Another day its a talk. Another day its because you met a good brother. Sometimes the boost in imaan from these things keeps you off the sin for a month, other times, only a few days.
The most helpful solution overall i found was going cold turkey with the internet: cutting it off completely. It severely restricted my access to pornography, and though the addiction didn’t cut off completely, it was definitely a practical step in the right direction.
If you can make a quiet du’a for Allah to switch off my addiction just as quickly as the light goes off when you flick the switch i would be most grateful. The one thing that keeps the struggle within me alive: Say: “O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins” [39:53]
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More from Br. “Qwerty”: One sin leads to another, and this addiction makes you sin in other ways. First and worst of all, is the lying and deceit. I never, ever used to lie before, but after this addiction caught hold, lying became habitual as i concocted story after story to cover my tracks: why was i on the computer for so long last night? why do i need to take baths so often? And subhanallah, no one is as resourceful as one whose mind has been overcome by the need to satisfy his lusts. Sneaking away to be alone with the computer, altering the computer’s history so that no one could find which sites i had visited or which files i had downloaded. The secret email addresses i set up which no one knew i had but me. Saving files in deep directories where no one would think of finding them. Its embarrassing when i think about it.
But there is also an aspect of absurdity about this whole thing. Over the years I’d made online contacts who had similar “interests” as me. One was a practicing brother, we spoke about mutual “interests” but also Islamic things, and qadrullah we made repentance the same day as each other then told each other about it. I deleted the porn saved on my PC and he tells me he did the same. By Allah’s Grace he is still going good, whereas, i have found it more difficult.
Someone mentioned the trauma that the wife goes through knowing of her husband’s sick habit, and I’m telling you that my wife knows about mine. First time she found the pics i completely denied everything, and she believed me. Then she caught me again and eventually i confessed. She was very upset but eventually accepted my apology. May Allah bless her, she offered to help, and to be there and to listen to me… but the thing is, how does one speak to his wife about this habit? what does one say? it would be humiliating, way too humiliating to sit there face to face and talk about this. No, i think i need to speak to someone who doesn’t know me. It would be a full disaster if i confided this habit to someone I knew and it leaked to the community. One of the greatest blessings upon me in this regard is that Allah gave my wife the patience not to expose me to my family or my friends.
Yet, i’m still addicted.
As to your suggestions, let me tackle some of those that caught my eye:
Sh. Yasir: jazakallahu khair for mentioning this fatwa. Lengthening my prayers and sajdahs is something i have started to do as per your suggestion. And this type of advice is the advice that i need. One of the most frequent thoughts running through my mind is that I’m in a race to balance my scales. I’m in a race to make sure that i have enough good deeds to counter for my sins.
Though, i had a rather depressing thought the other day. I am involved in lots of Islamic activities, but if I were to die today and somehow my good deeds were enough to counterbalance my bad deeds, i would die being equal to a lazy Muslim who never memorized and never did da’wah work, yet didn’t sin in the way i did and so didnt need to do all those good deeds because he didn’t have as many bad deeds to make up for. I hope you follow what i’m saying.
All those who have suggested a return to a more spiritual state, dhikr and qiyam - i think this is good advice, and i will try to implement this.
Perhaps counseling is an option. I’ve seen programs on TV of people who undertook counseling to help them cope with their sex addiction.
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2. The Addicts: From the Wife’s Perspective (”Aya”):
Anonymity is a bliss indeed. Let me tell you how a wife feels when she finds out about the secret life of her husband. At first i only suspected some suspicious stuff on the computer but never realized the intensity of it until years later. My mind wouldn’t go beyond chat rooms. It made me angry especially because I had been very loyal to my husband, but I didn’t let the ’suspicions’ take over my mind.
Sometimes I would get some disgusting popups on my computer and a friend of mine told me that it would only happen if someone actually downloads them. I didn’t believe her. I was so naive. I couldn’t even picture my husband watching any such thing. I had so much respect for him. I had married him for the sake of the deen. His friends had testified for his character. Then how could I even doubt him for a second.Then a day came in my life, I wish hadn’t come. I saw what I shouldn’t have seen. It made me sick. I felt like puking. I cried and wished I was dreaming but the reality was right there in front of my eyes. But my husband promised that he would stop. He would become more ’spiritual’ and would take any and every precaution that I would ask him to… It lasted for sometime but now I know it has started again…Day by day I fight this battle within me, on one side my love for him tells me to help him and work something out, on the other side my anger overtakes me and I think of leaving…but how? What would I tell the Imam why I seek to leave my husband? A wife is a ‘covering’ (libaas) of her husband, she hides her husband’s weaknesses and I did this for years, so how can I embarrass him now?
I want to help my husband, I want to see him successful not only here but in hereafter too. But how? I can’t keep nagging about the same subject every day. He already tells me not to act like his ‘mother’. That feeling of sorrow and guilt is not there in him anymore or at least I don’t see it. Sometimes, it takes more then reminders of Allah’s fear for a person to leave certain sins. Sometimes a death of a loved one, some diseases, some catastrophe…so I think that perhaps if I leave it will shake him deeply and he will repent.
Sometimes, by Allah, I want to get into a car accident just to ‘wake’ him up (and if i could guarantee that it would not lead to my death causing me to commit suicide, I would have done it). When he is around us/family, I am fine. I don’t let my mind wander around but when he is working on the computer, I could only doubt and suspect him. I had read that pure people are for pure people. But my mind fails to understand…I had never even looked at another man with an evil thought. I molded myself to his demands. Although, I grew up in a very ‘modest’ way, I went out of my way to get over my ’shyness’. I did everything to please him from dressing in a certain way at home, to making our intimate life more exciting…Those of you who blame it on a wife’s lack of interest in intimacy are completely wrong. My husband will testify to this. We are a happily married couple (other then this issue) including our intimate life…sometimes I wish I hadn’t done any of this, so at least I could ‘justify’ my husband’s action!
I feel bad for my children. My sons idealize their father like anything but there comes days when I fail to see my children becoming good Muslims because I know a ‘father’s sins affect his children.’
Yet there are days when I want to give up on my own struggles of becoming a good Muslimah because I must not be ‘pure’ enough to be married to my husband. In my anger, I went a couple times on some ‘chat’ rooms just to chat dirty with someone…but I couldn’t do it…I swear by Allah I couldn’t even enter the chatroom, I felt disgusted inside me…but I fear that a day might come when I wouldn’t feel disgusted anymore…I know these are evil whisper of shaytaan, but what can I do. I came to know of a sin of his that is killing me inside. Perhaps if I see him increasing his good deeds in other ways to make up for this sin, I would stop feeling this way, but I don’t see that happening and I don’t know how to convince him into this. I have tried every way from talking to him, to requesting, to fighting to begging to crying to pleading but after all I am a wife and a wife can be everything but a ‘teacher’!
Brother Yasir Qadhi here said that it is not a major sin, my question to him is: Whenever Allah mentioned in Quraan about avoiding major sins and He will forgive the minor, He always says, ‘avoid major sins and FAWAHISH’…isn’t this act an act of Fahash? If it is, then how could it be something minor? Yes it is not the actual act of zina but if it is fahash and Allah explicitly asks to leave major sins and fawahish??And wouldn’t it fall into the category as ‘consistent minor sin in itself is a major sin’??
Anonymity is a bliss. May Allaah bless all of you for providing this opportunity for people in my situation to speak. Those of you who read this and think that it is only a ‘personal’ problem, know that it is NOT because this sin effects the people around you. I’ve heard brothers bragging about sisters’ hijaab because it is a ‘communal’ sin, and I tell you that this too is a sin that can ruin the lives of those living under your guardianship.
So change and do something about it, PLEASE do something about it…for Allah’s sake first and then for your beloved wife’s sake and for your beloved children’s sake.
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3. Advice from a “Recovering Addict”:
I have some practical advise, because I myself am a recovering person:
1) It is not shaytan — it is the nafs. Recognize this. I have done so many dua’s and ayahs of qu’ran that would repel even the most obstinate shaytan and would still feel an intense desire. I realized it is the nafs. Once you realize this you are one step closer to personal responsibility. Try it, read ayat Al-Kursi and see if it helps. If it does not then you know it is your inner evil and not shaytan.
2) Realize that addiction is chemical as well. You will notice as you get that desire that your rate rate goes up, your body is calmer (endorphins released in your body), your heat is up. If you realize this then you’ve gotten another step closer. Why? because after a few days of going cold-turkey you’ve flushed out the chemicals/hormones that have been affecting you as well as the constant need for the high that you get. Think of it as a heroin addict, but in the case of a sex high that makes you that good feeling.
3) Give mad charity. I mean a lot of charity. Tie it to your sins if you do it. This is how I did it $100, $200, $500, $1000, $2000, $2000, then I had enough. I was going bankrupt man, but I felt that every time I kept sinning and not stopping I was making a bigger sin which needed a greater amount of sadaqa to expiate. I felt as if I was ransoming my soul to get rid of sin. Alhamdulliah, anytime I didn’t pay I would get problems at work, get parking tickets (worth $100 0- $200 anyway and just goes to waste to the city rather than count as a good deed) and all sort of worldly problems. If I paid the money right away I would not run into these problems and would not lose money on tickets and stuff. GIVE SADAQA, it shows real sacrifice.
4) “A strong desire is a justifiable need”. I read this on a billboard once, for a lexus. Your deed is 100% Haram, you HAVE to come to grips with this. It is so easy to justify it. You cannot do this if you are too quit.Think of eating pork. You never went near it because you know so clearly that it is haram. It goes the same for porn. You have to not kid yourself, to realize that there is no justification except your own desires.
THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION EXCEPT YOUR SELF. YOU DO IT TO PLEASE YOURSELF, THAT IS IT.
5) You have an addiction for life. You have to completely quit cold-turkey, and never never start again. Once you start, even just once, you will continue. I took this reality from a person I saw who was a big time smoker and quit. When offered, even though it was so tempting, he did not even take one smoke. He knows once he takes that one smoke he’s done for it.
In this case, if you can stop for a good month or so insha Allah you have to avoid all things that would lead to you thinking about porn. (cover your eyes if you are faint of heart)
Don’t reach for your penis, even once. stay away from it and know that once you feel the sensation of arousal you will not be able to control your desire.If you find yourself looking at women on the street, literally look right to the floor and walk. Get headphones, listen to qu’ran while looking down to keep your mind busy.
6) You have to make your intention to completely quit; NEVER start again. If you intend for a week or a month you will not make it. Only when you completely say (and literally have a out-loud conversation with your nafs) that you are stopping forever because:
- You don’t want to keep going like this when you are older
- You don’t want to lose your marriage
- You are afraid of losing out on rewards from Allah.…whatever makes you afraid the most.
Once you intend to completely stop, just like not eating pork, then you will have a much easier time insha Allah. You will even get used to staying away.
7) Zuhd (asceticism): Try to distance yourself from the things of the world in general. It will help you to become less attached to things. being used to disattaching will also help you disattach from porn.
8.) Get busy with dunya! what, I thought you just said be ascetic? Yes, but Idle hands are the devil’s playground.Take on medium to long-term projects, they will help you get focused. You will start thinking about it a lot, your project that is. Do some construction on the house, work on completely reorganizing. BUT make sure you have a plan, you write it down, and that you structure it. Meaning: complete this, then that, then this, in order to complete the entire project.Keeping busy is the best thing for a recovering addict because once you are bored and alone, forget it.
9) Travel, take time off, for a year if possible.For some reason I never had a problem with the addiction while traveling or being away from home. Go study arabic in a Muslim country for a year. Sure there is bad stuff there, but not as much, and not as accessible, trust me.Travel especially if you are having a hard time even stopping. Take yourself away from the environment long enough for you to get away from your habit. But if you don;t make your absolute intention to quit forever BEFORE you go, forget it.
10) Again, keep giving sadaqa. I tell you.
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4. Islamic Advice:
One really good coping strategy to enslave the nafs is to spend the entire night in prayer. Although the sunnah is to sleep and then get up for salaah, but for the weak nafs–stay up all night works. Not settling for any less, but the whole night.
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Brothers who are doing this need to make taubah and replace this ‘enjoyment’ with halal stuff.
Sometimes we look for answers far away but the Qur’an is only on the shelf next to you:“The inhabitants of the city came rejoicing (at the news of the young men’s arrival). Lut said: “Verily! These are my guests, so shame me not. And fear Allah and disgrace me not.” They (people of the city) said: “Did we not forbid you to entertain (or protect) any of the Alamin (people, foreigners strangers etc) from us?” Lut said: “These (the girls of the nation) are my daughters to marry lawfully) if you must act so.” (Surah 15:51-77)
So the people of Lut wanted to satisfy their desires in an unlawful matter. Allah gave them an alternative halal way. Women.The brothers who are watching porn have to leave that. Make taubah. Go to your wives, talk to them. Build up relationship. Spend more time with them. Fulfil their rights and needs and yours will be fulfilled.
Also there is a distinct lack of spirituality (WOW and this is coming from a zahiri Salafi) which leads to sin. Whilst I abhor Sufism (ittihad, hulool, whirling, whadatulwujood) I must witness that we need a great amount of tazkiyyah and must take the path of sulook that out forefathers were upon. If your salah is not taking you away from this sin then there’s something massively wrong there.
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Out of Meaninglessness Comes Pornography.
Let’s take these troubled brothers and attach them to Islamic efforts, either online or elsewhere. There are many Islamic websites that are run by volunteers (this is one, I believe) where they perform a number of tasks–from designing webspace to posting Dawah on forums. We can take these brothers and hook them up with people like Yusuf Estes and get them Islamically active. If they have issues with the computer (i.e. unable to resist the urge while on the computer) then we could get them hooked with other Islamic efforts going on (soup kitchens, street dawah, Tableeghi Jamaat etc). This will have to be regular and intense at times because if you get them to be idle–they will resort to porn. If you can’t hook up with some bigtime shaykh than perhaps build a support group or another group of like-minded brothers to get dawah going on.
Muhammad AlShareef mentions in his CD lecture, “When Wolves becomes Shepherds” that when some action is committed–a new pathway is made in the brain. Based on that theory, if we can strengthen an Islamic pathway (i.e. Dawah)–it will weaken or make on forget the pornographic pathway.
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O you people who believe (us!!!), repent to Allah with a sincere/true repentance (tawbatan nasooha).
What is a sincere repentance?
- Ikhlaas - gotta have sincerity. Repenting to Allah for the sake of Allah, not because we are caught in the act.
- Admit the sin - don’t ignore, trivialize or at worst, justify the sin. Admitting there is a problem is the first step to solving it.
- Feeling guilty - “Feeling guilty IS tawbah” AlMustafa, salAllaho alaihi wa sallam.
- Immediate tawbah - just like Adam (AS). This is very hard because many-a-times, after committing the sin, we feel so guilty and disgusted with ourselves that we feel ashamed to do tawbah = exactly what shaitaan wants - to delay us and our tawbah. Therefore, the solution is to do tawbah immediately.
- Increase in the good deeds - hasanat wipes away sins.
- Intend to stop the sin - make a true, sincere intention and strong resolve to never return to the sin.
If you do slip back, start over from step 1 until this step is actualized. Doesn’t matter how many times the slip happens…1000, 10000, a million, a billion times. Just keep going back to step 1 if you do fall in the sin.
If this seems like an infinite loop, then its a plot of shaitaan to make you think this way. Only Allah’s Mercy is infinite < src='http://muslimmatters.org/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif' alt=':)' class='wp-smiley' /> Subhan Allah, this is the BIGGEST step for me right now. Every time I think of committing a dreaded sin that has haunted me for years, I ask myself: “So what happened to your tawbatan nasooha? Didn’t you promise Allah that you’re not going to go back to the sin?” And then, walhamdulillah, I desist. - Not publicize - What this means is not to boast about your sin, and to not even mention it in public out of a desire for Allah’s sitar. Because all of RasoolAllah’s (SAWS) ummah will be forgiven except those who publicize their sins.
Unless, of course, you have repented and talking about the sin brings about the benefit of bringing others away from it. - Restore rights of others, if applicable.
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For every time you sin, pray at least 2 rakaah nawafil, immediately after sinning. Even if you don’t feel guilty, make it a habit. Now you have support and that sinning will, oddly enough, push you closer to Allah SWT. I guess that’s why we sin–so Allah can bring us closer to Him.
When you are sinning, turn away from the screen, be still and know that you could die at that moment and that yes, hellfire is where you would be if that happens. This thought never gets old. Bring it back to mind as often as you can. People try and mentally overcome this thought before they commit a sin, just to make themselves feel OK and then they do the sin. And then they think later “Oh that thought didn’t work on me,” when really they didn’t want it to work on them, in the first place. So keep bringing it back to mind, even while sinning and Insha Allah it will steer you away.
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A person giving up hope is disastrous to say the least but not uncommon. I’ve seen on occasion, other brothers breakdown in front of me into wailing and tears saying that Allah would never forgive them.
There is one issue that I have noticed with brothers who have this problem. They are split in two, inside and it hurts them. Being more religious than the average person yet a great sinner in the mirror.
There is an internal struggle going on. A Jihad of the nafs.
On one hand the nafs censures itself. “Oh you sinner, return to Allah”. On the other hand there is a trap of iblees.
Iblees knows that the soul wishes to repent. So he lays a trap at every door of repentance: “Allah will never forgive you. This is a sin you keep repeating. Leave off dawah, you are too dirty for ibadah.”
It is a trap of iblees designed to destroy the nafs that is in a state of muhasabah (self assessment?).
So to begin with as both of you have mentioned that you do hate what you are doing and that you have tried to stop using various means. So understand that when you do this then the soul is in a state of Jihad. And at times this internal struggle can be greater than that fought with a sword.
The nature of the sin is addiction, therefore continuity. And as Ustadh Yasir has explained that a minor sin done continuously can become major. So the habit must be broken.
Let’s say you stopped for a while and then you started again. Don’t let that make you give up trying. In fact stopping for a while shows that you can stop totally, eventually.
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Also, dhikr is life. Dhikr is not just words that we say with our tongue and say 100 times in one minute. Dhikr is what quenches the thirst of our hearts, and without it, we will eventually die. I admit that one point in time I used to go around telling people to do dhikr, but I didn’t know what it actually meant. I can just say that dhikr is so much more than what we think. Dhikr is what makes live worth living. It’s our connection with Allah. Without it, we have nothing. We simply get lost in a world of delusions and continue falling and falling, until we can’t get up.
Dhikr is the solution to our problems, along with admitting the lowliness of ourselves. It’s a struggle, but if we have to pretend, we pretend. It must become a habit. At the same time we need to fill our time, because idle time is a big fitnah. We need to watch the sins of our tongue every day, and try our best to become aware of every evil we utter so that we can stop uttering it.
We all need to sit down in a secluded area, ask Allah for forgiveness and think of our sins as we utter it, every time. We need to break ourselves, and it may take time, but it must be done. We need guides, so let us find them! Ask Allah and He will help you. But do whatever it may take to rid yourself of these evils, even if at first it may seem like you are struggling against forces which seem impossible to defeat. DO NOT LOSE HOPE. Once you lose hope, you are going to drown.
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Four ahadith, that I (personally) count as my HOPE in front Allah ‘azza wa jal
a) the hadith of Anas ibn Malik radyAllahu ‘anh that the Prophet salAllahu ‘alaihee wa sallam said
“By Him in Whose Hand is my soul: If you committed sins to the extent that your sins filled what is between the heavens and the earth, Allah would forgive you after seeking His forgiveness. By Him in Whose hand is Muhammad’s soul, if you did not commit sins, Allah would replace you by other people who would commit sins. Then, Allah forgives them after seeking His forgiveness.” (Musnad of Imaam Ahmed)
b) The LONG hadith of Abu Dharr al-Ghifari radyAllahu ‘anh from the Prophet salAllahu ‘alaihee aw sallam that Allah said:
O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another. O My servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance of Me and I shall guide you, O My servants, all of you are hungry except for those I have fed, so seek food of Me and I shall feed you. O My servants, all of you are naked except for those I have clothed, so seek clothing of Me and I shall clothe you. O My servants, you sin by night and by day, and I forgive all sins, so seek forgiveness of Me and I shall forgive you. O My servants, you will not attain harming Me so as to harm Me, and will not attain benefiting Me so as to benefit Me. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to be as pious as the most pious heart of any one man of you, that would not increase My kingdom in anything. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to be as wicked as the most wicked heart of any one man of you, that would not decrease My kingdom in anything. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to rise up in one place and make a request of Me, and were I to give everyone what he requested, that would not decrease what I have, any more that a needle decreases the sea if put into it. O My servants, it is but your deeds that I reckon up for you and then recompense you for, so let him finds good praise Allah and let him who finds other that blame no one but himself. (Muslim, Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah).
c) The hadith of ibn ‘Abbas radyAllahu ‘anh
the explanation of which was done shaykhuna Yasir hafidhahullah on this very blog: you can find it here: http://muslimmatters.org/2007/04/03/pearls-from-the-sunnah-1/ and
d) The hadith of the Prophet salAllahu ‘alaihee wa sallam, that the son of Adam will sin, repent, sin, and repent, sin, and repent.. so much so that shaytaan gives up on him! aw kamaa qaala salAllahu ‘alaihee wa sallam.
and the aya in (NOT so ironically) Surat GHAFIR
Inna la nasru rusulana WAL LADHEENA aamanoo FIL HAYYAATID DUNYA WA yawma yaqumul Ash-Haad
Verily Allah will give VICTORY to his messengers AND those who believe IN THIS LIFE AND on the day when the witnesses will be brought forth.
- The victory is IN this life…and on the day of judgement for ALL to see that YES WE (I) was victorious. They WITNESS to that. How sweet of a day that is - may Allah make us of those who are victorious.
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* listen to this lecture, “Ahmed the Repenter”
http://www.iisna.com/downloads/
(it’s the third lecture on the list) — please make sure you listen to it if you haven’t already.
*if you MUST sit on the computer by yourself, perhaps keep the light on and keep a copy of Quran on your lap or in your eyesight.
* concentrate on this and say this to yourself perhaps 100 times: “Allah is watching me right now”
* watch this video with focussed visualization:
* say the istia’adah
* think about how you’ll feel after you do the evil deed…visualization is the key here!
* collect all the URLs that you regularly visit, and block them. I believe in firefox and IE, you can add these “blocked sites” and set a password. Set a random password that you type without looking so that you don’t know how to unlock it. (haven’t checked this)
* visualize the state of the people you are watching (or lusting I should say) will be on the day of Judgement [if they continue on that path]. Imagine how ugly they will look, how fat their skin would be, how big their molar teeth would be (size of Uhud!)..subhanAllah, just think about their torture and the fact that you’re making them your “friends” in this life, that should scare you away from them. You definitely do not want to be raised with them on Yawmul qiyamah!
* also br qwerty, one thing I don’t get…if your wife already knows about your issue, can’t you just install that logger br amad gave a link to and tell her, I’m doing this so that YOU KNOW (to your wife) of what I’m doing and that inshaAllah you can trust me. You don’t have to tell her that you’re still in the habit? No?
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Here in the west this is affected by what people regard as normal. As the media numbs our morality level, the norms of acceptability change.
Take a look at Henry Makow’s website. Have a look for his article that explains why watching porn can lead to homosexuality. He always writes about this stuff: http://www.savethemales.ca/000165.html
This is a problem common to all men now not just Muslim men. The Christians have clinics to counsel people off porn. It is an Information Age problem or should I say epidemic. I’m not a Psychiatrist but I do study Psychology and it can help to use some methods to stop brothers doing this.
One NLP technique would be to anchor porn with homosexuality. This can either be done in counseling or it can be addressed in any lectures done on Islamic sexual etiquette. We need to resolve this problem on a wider scale.
To understand the scale of the problem just google ‘porn addiction’: http://www.manontheroad.org/pornography_addiction.htm
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Now I’m going to show you a method to break the habit for ever insha Allah:
First understand the problem (this is all common knowledge is psychology, it’s not voodoo!): When you do something that gives you a reward it releases chemicals in your brain.
So when you eat, exercise or have sex, then certain chemicals are released inside the brain. This is the reward process of the brain to keep you eating, healthy and procreating etc.
One chemical is dopamine. This reinforces the pleasure each time. In other types of addiction more drugs (higher doses) are required each time to achieve a similar level of pleasure/feeling. This is what is referred to as tolerance.Now when you watch porn I bet that over time you had to start watching different types of porn to get the same ‘feeling’. You build up a numbness or tolerance as we call it. This is what led you to use your credit cards.
Some pharma companies are developing a drug to stop this process (for heroin addicts), but we all know where that leads to. Continuous treatments so that they can make money.
What you need to do is to replace the pleasure with a greater pleasure. As Imam Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyyah once wrote about the gaze: “The pleasure received in not looking is greater than the pleasure received in looking.”
Brother Dawud mentioned in his post that:“Muhammad AlShareef mentions in his CD lecture, “When Wolves becomes Shepherds” that when some action is committed–a new pathway is made in the brain. Based on that theory, if we can strengthen an Islamic pathway (i.e. Dawah)–it will weaken or make on forget the pornographic pathway.”
Unfortunately your other ‘porn pathway’ is probably well developed and traversed by now.In actual fact you need to change the pathway itself. In fact the best thing would be to go to Muhammad AlShareef as he is an NLP practitioner and should be able to help you immediately. Or to remain anonymous you could go to a non-Muslim one. But you need to find a reputable one near you.
I’ll provide a method here that is used by NLP people. Try and use it yourself. It is very possible to make this work, I’ve tried it with phobias and other stuff. Make sure you have confidence in the method and try it out properly. If it doesn’t work then go to an NLP practitioner.
What you need to do is use a method called anchoring, where you tie certain emotions and feelings with certain actions or triggers. This is not some voodoo. It is a psychological method used by business people all around the world for many different purposes.
First read around it so that you get an idea of what you’re about to do:
Once you have an idea about the concept then try the method on the following link, it is specifically porn orientated: Click for link
(Also ignore their comments at the start about occasional porn watching being o.k., that’s because they don’t know it’s haram!)
This method has been tested on people and does work very well. Make sure you read it a few times and understand it well before you start.
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Open communication between husband and wife from day one (or should I say first night together) is needed. Unfortunately many women feel uncomfortable talking to their husband about their needs (sexual and otherwise) because sex in many cultures has always been a very hush hush subject to discuss so when it comes time for marriage, the woman, more often than the man it seems, are a bit lost because all of a sudden this is right in the open, something it never was before. If she is unsure or hesitant to his desires, that doesn’t give the husband the right to turn to porn. He ALSO needs to make an effort to be open and communicate his needs to his wife, otherwise both parties involved are straining their own relationship. This goes back to your last post about education and how it is so much needed, especially to young married couples.
One must remember that women are shy by nature so it is natural that they refrain from talking about this subject even with their husbands especially in the early period of marriage. Sometimes they have certain needs/sexual desires and they feel shy to inform their husbands about it. And perhaps that is why they become disinterested in the sexual life causing dissatisfaction to the husbands.That’s why I believe that husbands should take the initiative and talk/ask their wives about this.
————–
As I read this, a light bulb popped… you may know that there is an activity logger software. We have installed this for our little kids. See this.
One thing a person in a similar position as yours may want to do, to “force” the issue on himself (kind of like what you mentioned) i.e. install this software… with cooperation from the wife, and have her set the password. This way, everything is logged and if the person is hiding this from the wife and doesn’t want to mess up that relationship, then it will provide a big deterrent if the wife can track the internet activity. This program actually works quite well and tracks everything, incl. taking snapshots (I recommend this for parents as well— its free to try).
Another thing someone mentioned is to have the computer in a “open area”. Like my uncle has all the computers set up in the living room, in clear view of anyone passing. Still, if the wife’s gone, the Shaytan will play… so the logging software may watch.
—————
Here’s my advice, get rid of the internet. If you need to check your e-mail or something go to a public library. Sure it will be tough, but not nearly as tough as the anger of Allah on the Day Of Judgment.
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7. Advice from Shaykh Yasir Qadhi:
To the husband, Qwerty:
1) Regarding Qwerty’s situation, it reminded me of a fatwa I read from a great modern alim - someone whom I know personally very well and greatly admire. He was asked about a similar situation (person addicted to porn and masturbation). His response - I only wish I could find the original Arabic - almost moved me to tears. He started off with the basic advice of informing him that this was a sin and he should desist from it, and continually repent to Allah. So far it was standard. But then he continued on. He said that this sin, despite its evil nature, is not a major sin in and of itself (for example like actual zina), and as long as one repented and felt guilty it would not come under the rule ‘a habitual minor sin becomes a major sin’. Then he said - and this was the most beautiful point -
‘And make sure that Shaytan does not use this sin to prevent you from being of benefit to the Ummah in other ways, for this would be a greater victory for Shaytan than the actual sin you are committing’.
Meaning that the sin is a problem, but then sitting down in your house, despairing, and becoming totally useless to the Ummah is an even greater problem! So feel guilty for your sin, but use that guilt to make sure you generate more good deeds in order to make it up. Which leads me to my second point.
2) Qwerty, and those in your boat, make sure you have more than the ‘average’ good deeds to show. Pray some extra nafls regularly, read Quran (and memorize, as you were doing), do dhikr… when in sajdah prolong it for that short extra time, realizing you need those blessings. During wudhu, perfect it and realize that for every drop of water that falls down a sin is removed. Saying isighfar, and especially the ’sayyid al-istighfar’ regularly, meaning what you say.
And indeed it is possible, if you do all this and more, that you will rise higher *because* of your sin, since it led you to higher heights. Again this is not a justification of the sin, but rather a ray of hope for the sinner that not all is lost. No human is sinless, and what you are doing is a (minor) sin, hence use it to be a better Muslim, and make du’aa to al-Rahman that He forgives you, and to al-Sitteer that He covers up and conceals it from others.
3) MW, your last comment - I swear by Allah - made my heart tremble and hair stand on end. Do you realize what you have just said? By Allah this one statement of yours is worse than any sin you could have done, so repent for it. Do you think that you, and you alone, can be so sinful that Allah’s mercy cannot encompass you? That you have so much ‘power’ to commit sins that the infinite mercy of Allah is powerless when faced with it?!
Understand the implications of what you say and repent for this one statement, before you repent from the lesser sins that you say you have done. For indeed a hadeeth tells us that ‘The greatest of all major sins is shirk with Allah, and despairing of the mercy of Allah, and losing hope of the help of Allah.’ See how the Rasool (saw) equated giving up hope in Allah and His Mercy with shirk.Indeed, Allah forgives all sins….for He is al-Ghafoor, al-Ghafaar, al-Raheem, al-Rahman, al-Tawwaab, al-Haleem, and al-Afuw. He is forgiving and loves to forgive.O Allah, forgive us all for our shortcomings, and conceal our faults from others, and cover us up with your mercy, Ameen!
———————-
To the wife, Aya:
Salaam alaikum Sr. Aya. My heart really bled for you - your pain and suffering is understandable, may Allah make it easy for you.
ut one point of advice: never ever wish for any misfortune on yourself or your husband. I can understand the frustration, but don’t be like those whom Allah says in the Quran ”And man asks for evil [upon himself] as he asks for good, and indeed Allah is quick [in responding]” Of the interpretations of this verse is that a person makes du’aa AGAINST himself, as you yourself are about to do, so be careful in this regard, and do not despair of Allah’s mercy.
Also I would not advise you to leave your husband permanently. Perhaps your presence is minimizing these sins, and if you were to leave he would become worse, so consider yourself as protecting him in some ways. And do not ever thing you are part of the problem (as for those who commented that a man’s addiction might be his wife’s fault - really that is so chauvinistic and ignorant it is unbelievable).
Lastly, about your question: we need to define a kabeerah (major sin) versus a sagheerah (minor sin). A major sin, according to the strongest opinion, is a sin that entails Allah’s curse, or threat of punishment of Hell. So actual fornication is a major sin, but the steps leading to it (e.g., talking to a woman, looking at her, etc.) does not constitute a major sin. No doubt some ‘minor’ sins are more major than others, but they are still in the realm of minor sins. Hence, even if a sin is ‘disgusting’ it does not necessarily follow that it is a kabeerah.
Not to trivialize minor sins here, but we need to remain clear about these matters.(Shameless plug: this matter will be discussed in much greater detail in a future AlMaghrib class insha Allah!!!)
Now, a minor sin is transformed into a major one when a person habitually does it without any remorse or regret. What makes it a major sin is the lack of guilt and lack of repentance - if a person continue to repent and then fall into a minor sin, it remains a minor sin. Hence, if a person *tries* to give up a sin and continues to slip into it, then that does NOT constitute a major sin. Only if a person loses all modesty and habitually commits such sins without any guilt or attempt to change will such minor sins be considered a major sin.
Hope that clarifies this issue insha Allah…
And I sincerely pray that Allah makes your situation easy for you, and guides you and your husband to that which pleases Him!
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8. A Talk with the Self By Kamal El mekki:
Oh my self what will calm you?
Can’t you remain patient for a day or two?
I try to contain you but your strength overpowers
But when we die life will seem like hours
So can’t you be patient for part of a day?
And remain steadfast upon the straight way?
The direction you’re taking leads to my worst fears
Of the day we stand for fifty thousand years
No one will joke nor talk nor smile
And the sun from our heads will be at a mile
Nowhere to hide and nowhere to flee
Standing for what seems an eternity
Then the judgment begins and the books will land
Either on your right or your left handOh my self …
Do not become like those who left the right track
And put their left hands behind their back
Oh self how do you plan to cross the sirat suspended in the air?
Craftier than a fox, sharper than a sword and thinner than a hair?
How do you plan to cross? Or will you cross at all?
The blink of an eye? Run? Or would you rather crawl?
The bad deeds you command will drop you from it
And only good deeds put you back upon it
Oh self it’s a five hundred year-drop suspension
Over a terrible place I’d rather not mentionOh self…
Do not be fooled by this world and its illusions
And keep in mind judgment, the grave and other conclusions
Oh self wake up! Don’t follow your desire
And ask for forgiveness to avoid the fire
Oh self keep the commands and avoid prohibitions
And pay close attention to these admonitions
Be amongst those who were the best of planners
Who prepared for the future with good deeds and good mannersOh self it simply about your control
Being patient now so as to reach your goal
I don’t mean to put a burden, or put much stress
Just to warn of a day when the limbs confess
Sins add up as you live through the years
Then sadness won’t save you and nor will the tears
Every time you sin the Shaytan is winning
So remember the One against Whom you’re sinningOh my self…
Life is short and ends when you least expect it
And then what will you say when you’re resurrected?
The angel of death overlooked you and took the souls of your brothers
And one day he’ll come to you and overlook others
For great rewards plant the righteous seeds
Oh Allah, I seek refuge from the evil of my self and from the evil of my deeds.
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9. Success Story & Advice (From Br. Ahmed):
I a 25 year old male, a recovering addict to porn and masturbation.
It all started at about the age of 10/11, when I accidentally discovered masturbation. Back then I did not understand what I was doing and did not realise that this was haram (But I have to say, I would always do it in secret, even though I was young I had an inkling that this was wrong). Anyway I continued in this fashion for a year or two, and then I discovered porn. At first I was too embarrassed to simply walk into a shop and buy a magazine, so I would literally look in people’s garbage, in the hope of finding pornographic material. I remember staying awake late at night and turning on the TV once my parents slept, in order to watch late night TV which often showed soft-core porn. (I remember in shame the lengths I would go to conceal my secret, e.g. closing the door, but not completely so that I can hear approaching footsteps and hiding a pornographic video underneath a loose floorboard that was nearly discovered by my father).
It got so bad, and I felt so guilty, that one day, I was about 13 years old then, I took a brave step and confessed to my father, who was extremely supportive and gave me practical tips to my problem. It worked for a few months and my father thought he was successful, but unfortunately I relapsed and went back to my old ways.
I continued like this for a few years until about the age of 15/16 (throughout this time I always felt guilty and ashamed but continued any way), that was when the internet became mainstream. To me this was the start of a new level in watching porn, as it made it so easy, (no need for embarrassing walks in to an adult shop, and off course the ease of access and variety of porno content on the web). I started off by simply watching nude pics and downloading free video-clips (you see the porn barons are very much like drug dealers, you get your first joint for free, then you’re hooked and forced to go back to the dealer, but this time you have to pay to get the harder content). However, after about 2 yrs the free stuff simply was not enough, I needed more to quench my ever-increasing lustfulness. This was when I crossed another fence, using my credit card (a bit like a previous post).
This continued until about the age of 20. This was when it really got out of control as I started to contemplate visiting prostitutes; you see watching porn alone was not enough. Again, its like drugs, you start with cannabis and end up with crack/heroin. Again the internet made it very easy to do this, as prostitutes advertise themselves on the web on certain specialist websites. At first, like the previous post I would only call these women, it kind of gave me a kick. I would justify it to my self by saying that ‘its not haram to talk, as long as I don’t actually act on my feelings’, but yes… you guessed it, I moved on to the next level and committed Zina. After the first experience which left me feeling quite guilty, I decided to repent to Allah and stop watching porn, but once you have been addicted to something for so long it’s very easy to relapse. In fact, I started to visit prostitutes on a regular basis, justifying it to myself by saying ‘ as long as I do not engage in penetrative sex then my sin is not so great’.
After a year or two, I decided that the only way to solve my problem is to get married. Unfortunately, marriage only helped for a few months, and then I relapsed once more.
However, things changed exactly 1 year ago. As I’m sure you have realised, this beast of an addiction has been the storey of my life, it has absolutely consumed me in every way, I have tried so many times to slay the beast, but every time I fail. Yet, something happened to me exactly one year ago that allows me to stand before this forum today, and announce that I have finally slayed this beast. In fact, today is my 1 year anniversary of victory. Like all other addicts whenever I repented I knew at the back of my mind that this will not last. 1 year ago, when I repented I came to the realisation that I cannot have this thought at the back of my mind, as it made my repentance worthless. I then sat down and brainstormed all the Ill consequences of porn; I came up with the following,
1) The most important one off course is going to HELL
2) Constantly feeling guilty and worthless
3) Constantly feeling ashamed of my self, this led to poor self-esteem and lack of confidence.
4) Wasting my precious time. Time that can be spent learning new things or simply enjoying the company of friends
5) Having to constantly lie to cover my tracks, and then to lie again to cover my previous lies, and so on
6) Sexual contact with my wife became a chore rather than something to look forward to, as I simply was no longer excited by my wife (and bless her little heart, she tries so hard to seduce me)
7) The feeling of utter emptiness after masturbating, compared to the feeling of joy when hugging my wife in bed
< src="http://muslimmatters.org/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_cool.gif" alt="8)" class="wp-smiley" /> The amount of money wasted: I can honestly say that in the space of about 10 years, I blew approximately fifteen thousand pounds (£15000) on porn and prostitutes. This money could have gone to the poor, it could have gone towards my mortgage, it would have paid for about 10 holidays, or at least 4/5 visits to the holy city of Mecca.
9) The inability to do anything that would please Allah (such as read quran, or help the Muslim UMMA), as I always felt ‘what’s the point of doing a good deed, as I have committed so many disgusting sins’
10) The utter humiliation I would feel had my wife found out, not to mention the enormous amount of pain I would cause her had she found out I was watching porn and even cheated on her’.
So, how did I stop? It’s a combination of everything really.
1) Constantly reminding myself of the 10 disadvantages outlined above (I have them stored on my organiser, and read them every day)
2) Reading quran and dua everyday, and paying charity.
3) Never staying home alone if possible
4) Praying on time
5) Going to my wife when ever I felt the desire (off course it helps that I have a wife who is very enthusiastic when it comes to sexual matters)
6) Encouraging my wife to always dress provocatively when we are at home.
7) Remember how guilty, depressed and ashamed you wil feel, after commiting the sin of watching porn or masturbating.
< src='http://muslimmatters.org/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_cool.gif' alt='8)' class='wp-smiley' /> A lot of you will probably agree with me that you watch porn when you are bored and have free time on your hand. There is a verse in the Quran about free time and how it should be used. I also recently heard a lecture in which the Imam said that all evil comes from spare time, as this is when a human is at his most vulnerable, you have nothing to do, nothing to pre-occupy your mind, so in order to fill this void, you commit a sin such as watching porn. The message here is always occupy your mind with something useful ( read a book, visit a friend, play football/sports, start a project, watch a comedy, anything really, as long as it is not haram ) never remain idle when you have time on your hands as boredom can be your downfall, and lead you to the wrong path.
Apart from these 8 points, I have a few more tips that have worked for me.
1) 1 year ago, I made a Nidhr to Allah, so that if I was to relapse I would have to fast 120 days continuously.
2) every day, I go in front of the mirror and I psyche myself up, screaming ‘NEVER’, ‘NEVER’, ‘NEVER’, over and over again, ( ‘NEVER’, as in I will ‘never’ go back to my old ways again)
3) I have a secret book that I purchased specifically for this purpose. I have marked all the dates of the year on it for the next couple of years. Next to every day I either have a tick which would represent a successful day, in other words a day I did not watch porn in, or I would have a cross, which would represent failure. Alhamdu-lilllah I now have 365 ticks, and not a single cross. I look at all these ticks every day, and it gives me a sense of achievement. I would not want to see a cross in this book, as it would symbolise a return to the old ways. Seeing that cross would seriously depress me, hence I avoid it at all cost.
I hope these tips will help. Please read dua for me as I want to continue on the right track. I know I can. I know I can. I know I can. Allah is on my side. Allah is on my side. Allah is on my side.
NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER
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Jazakallah Khair for the organization!
Sad…
Assalamu ‘alaykum
Not only is this the best entry i have read on MM. This is the best entry i have read… ever.
Mashallah - may Allah reward you.
Seriously, great stuff, and the best part is, it is not only applicable to those who habitually sin in this manner. You could transpose any habitual sin in place of porn addiction, and the entry would make just as much sense, in the turmoil of sinner’s regret vs urge to sin, and in the effect of this sin on those close to them, and on the advice given to give up the sin.
Subhanallah. Thank you all. You’re so brave to write your experiences here. May Allah reward you because this entry will help you and others like you - and when i say others like you, i mean every person in the entire world, who has even the teeniest belief and fear in Allah.
I’ll stop with the praise, because i don’t want to diminish your rewards. I pray this article becomes a form of sadaqa jaariah for everyone involved - and i am totally getting a piece of the action, inshallah, and forwarding it on to others! < src='http://muslimmatters.org/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif' alt=':D' class='wp-smiley' />
Wa’salam
jazakilahkhair iMuslim for the kind comments.
And jazakumAllahkhair to OUR READERS for writing the post (hey, I ONLY compiled it), which goes to show that MM does indeed have some of the brightest and concerned readers and commentators in the blogosphere!
I am absolutely shocked by this posting. This is the one of the very few times in which I read more than 85 percent of the content. Great advice. I don’t know if any of the TDC attendees has the lecture but my last years lecture “Controlling Lusts & Desires” addressed this issue.
Chao sahib, I was in the lecture… one of the few “older shabab” in the room… you were going full-blast, full-force, delta-power… and the kids were melting into their chairs… it was awesome. I was wondering why all the uncles wanted to get in… I think we need to put that audio in…
Amad,
do you have that lecture by Chao Sahib? I have never heard his lectures before even though I have heard a lot about Chao Sahib from Irtiza < src='http://muslimmatters.org/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif' alt=':)' class='wp-smiley' />
btw, are the lectures from last year’s TDC available at all? sorry to drift away from the topic
Kamran
(when is the TDC website gonna be functional??)
kamran - the progressives lecture from last years tdc has been posted on our site.
and good luck on the rest… i got cd’s from last years conf while at the conf but i dont know about the copyrights otherwise i would upload them < src='http://muslimmatters.org/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif' alt=':)' class='wp-smiley' />
ibnabeeomar,
you should also contact Sh AbdulBary, he has a very interesting and unique position on the issue of “copyright” on Islamic materials. He sharess my view (that there is no copyright on Islamic Knowledge). And he also has strong arguments to back it up.
wallahu `alam
-Kamran
on that note, I give you this lecture:
http://haadi.almaghrib.org/Audio/AB_Ramadhan_Khutba.MP3
Sh AbdulBary’s khutbah on “Time to repent is…NOW”
Hey which TDC lecture was that? I guess I was in a different lecture :s
Here’s a bit of simple but complete advice:
It’s no big deal, stop obsessing about it.
Men have needs (and so do women) and relieving those needs by once in a while looking at porn is healthy! When you get into the cycle of need, need-fulfillment, guilt over fulfilling need, shame, relieving the feeling of shame by doing it again you get into the downward spiral of becoming an obsessive. If, however, you just realized it was no big deal and even healthy you can engage it once in a while and live a full and complete life.
Ask yourself a question, why does Allah care if you look at erotic pictures?
Let me try to look for that lecture.
Rick, we are in completely different zones and fundamentals of understanding. In other words, we have an absolute moral system, in which Allah does care about our sins and good deeds.
Regardless, even socially amongst non-Muslims, porn is a huge problem that affects many relationships and causes many ills. That is why there is so much material devoted to helping the problem. Also, we are talking about addictions here, not about the “once in a while” stuff. Though that is wrong too, but it is not the issue we are discussing.
Amad,
That’s my point. I’ve observed many more protestants with alcohol problems than Catholics and I attribute that to the fact protestants strongly frown on alcohol use while Catholics have a much laxer attitude. Making something a sin and having a zero tolerance policy ensures that your community will have a higher incidence of that sin. Aristotle said “Everything in Moderation” in part because he knew that trying to completely wipe out an act will drive people to excess in that action.
And, I’ve known people for whom porn saved their marriages. During many of my friends’ pregnancy the man learned that he would have to go many months without sex and the wives OKed their husbands using porn as an outlet. Today they are all happily married with kids and none have porn addictions.
@ Rick
May I suggest and remind that the Christian faith explicitly bans alcohol and intoxicants. It doesn’t matter if it’s Protestantism or Catholicism or Orthodox. Having a zero tolerance on stuff will only make it clear cut that it’s forbidden. Imagine if Islam wasn’t clear cut on it, we would have more people drinking under the pretext that it’s not clear cut.
As for the issue of men not being able to have intimate relationships with their wives because of pregnancy, there is nothing wrong with intimacy and intercourse during pregnancy. The only time period Muslims are not allowed to engage in conjugal activity is during menstruation and post-pregnancy bleeding. If in the scenario that one’s wife is in either of one situation, Islam has already a solution to this which is polygyny (multiple wives with set rules) unlike polygamy (multiple wives with no set standards)
See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polygamy#Islam
Now, I know that some people out there might not “agree” with Islams viewpoint on polygyny, I think it’s safe that to say that having conjugal relations with your 2 wife is definately healthier spiritually and more satisfying then deriving pleasure from hand-induced pleasure in front of the computer.
Rick,
Frankly the same could be said for alcohol. some may enjoy it in moderation, but many can’t, we know the consequences of that.
the question i have for you is this:
If you believe that God is the All-Wise, and you believe He legislated for us to abstain from something, then would you agree we should submit to that command?
@ ExEx Blogger:
“…hand-induced pleasure in front of the computer.”
LOL! Well put Sheikh…well put… : )
ExEx Blogger-
No, Christianity bans drunkenness not alcohol. One of Jesus’ miracle involved turning water into wine, the Eucharist has always been practiced with wine, and Jesus even drank wine. But you make my point, most religions don’t prescribe an all-or-nothing approach and instead favor not condemning moderation to head off excess and obsession. You could learn a lot from Christ.
Amad and ExEx Blogger,
I, also, have an absolute moral system, it is called equality before the law. You think it’s better for a system to dehumanize women by allowing a man to take up to four wives than for a man to fulfill his needs for a few months with his hand, but I do not. I believe in the equality of women, and until women are allowed to take up to 4 husbands at one time they will be nothing but second-class citizens in many parts of the muslim world
That’s your opinion rick. But Islam came to put control upon polygany, which at the time was the norm, by only allowing 4 and setting conditions for it. It was also discouraged within the Qur’an itself, to make a man realize that it isn’t an easy job to be just to 4 women. The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, also mentioned what he saw in hellfire in regards an unjust man towards his wives.
So, what may seem to you as unjust, is in reality a set of laws that are meant to better humanity, by having as their Guide God Alone, and not the ego of men who don’t know what is good for them.
Let me also add, I think it is sick that you think this is healthy.
Rick, if we allow woman to have 4 husbands and she gets pregnant, whose baby is it? Do we toss a coin and each husband has a 25% of winning? And what happens while the woman is going through her menstrual cycle…all the 4 men sit around and wait for the woman to finish? OR do we allow the men to take up 4 wives and the women to take up 4 husbands, and then we can have a truly peaceful and harmonious solution that works for all? I mean, seriously…
And before you suggest DNA testing, DNA testing is not 100% accurate…meaning, a child can go through his life never knowing who his/her father is.
Fact of the matter is, men and women are different physically, and it is thus illogical to equate them on these terms.
Islam protects a woman’s rights through polygany. She has the right to the man’s property, to his wealth, her children are going to be provided for…the whole deal. Unlike in the west where a man can freely sleep around with 100 women impregnating each while not being accountable legally or morally for any of them!! Yay for the justice and liberation of women.
Sister aarij, and just the thought of a woman having 4 husbands seems so sick. It is at that point that I would say that a woman is 2nd class and underneath the feet of a man. Tossed around like she doesn’t matter, whereas when a man takes on 4, he has to remember every day to treat them all fairly or he will get punished in hell pretty harshly. la ilaha illa allah
< src='http://muslimmatters.org/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif' alt=':)' class='wp-smiley' />
I’m happy most of my friends from Univ. are not bloggers and don’t read blogs, otherwise they would have a field day with Sr. Umm Layth’s comments!
Ya ukhti, I’m a brother! < src='http://muslimmatters.org/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif' alt=':)' class='wp-smiley' />
Aarij = brother
Areej = sister
haha
I’m sorry. I’m guilty of not even questioning the spelling. It’s just that we have a family member named Areej.
I myself is an addict, and this site has helped me a lot, because especially the sisters story whos husband is an addict. I was crying from start to the end of her story. May Allah help me and all muslims. I just want to remind brothers and sister PLEASE DO NOT SAY IT IS JUST A MINOR SIN (PORN)!!! I KNOW IT MIGHT BE BUT THIS MIONR LEADS TO MAJOR. SO refer to it as a sin don’t emphasize its only MINOR becuause of this sin sisters who are married to addicts are going to sever pain, THEY ARE GOING THORUGH PAIN WHICH ONLY THOSE WHO ARE AFFECTED BY IT KNOWS. I myself was crying reading the stories and Inshallah I promised Allah that I will stop I KNOW I DID IT IN THE PAST but Inshallah Allah will help and I will not give in to my NAFS
Brother “a muslim”, may Allah help you and make this repentance a firm one… I hope everyone will make a quick dua’ for Br. Muslim, Qwerty and others inshallah.
Also “a muslim”, try the different techniques… each may have different impact on a person. If one doesn’t work out, then try another. If you need group encouragement, you can always use this board and let us know how you are doing and we’ll keep making dua’ and encouraging you.
jazakAllahkhair for trying!
Assalamu Alaikum wa RahmatAllah,
I am 27 yrs old, married and blessed by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala with an extremely loving 10 months old daughter. Since my childhood, have been using masturbation, looking at women, TV, magazine to deal with loneliness, insecurity, frustration, family problem until it became habit, then obsession with strong desires. In my high school oversees (which was an all boys cadet school), I felt attracted to some boys (especially boys who were relatively soft and good looking). I even touched two of them inappropriately while masturbating. Got introduced to internet sex materials, chat rooms, sexually explicit videos after coming to USA in fall, 2000. Since then, have been using them to deal with anxiety, depression and managing stress and ofcourse, lust. Since my early high school years, I grew up with very low self esteem, always afraid of being criticised and judged. I lived for almost 3 years with a roommate of mine who was 8 years older than me and I feel I was psychologically abused during that time. At one point, I paid money to a prostitute and had first sexual experience with the prostitute which turned out to be a trauma. Especially in summer, my eyes wander in the streets and every where else looking at half naked women lustfully. I grew up with so many family problems, my parents’s abusive relationship, physical fighting, domestic violence, verbal abuse, eventual divorce, Mom being murdered in a robbery case and so on. I don’t have anyone in this world after Allah except my wife and my daughter. This summer, I lost control of myself and went after prostitutes, ended up with a she-male which I found out after paying her $200, she was about to beat me up, then I left being frightened. Nothing happened beyond touching. Have droven car in streets looking for half naked women, offering them rides and offering them money in exchange of “spending time with me”. Went to events like “african fest” in summer where would be able to find lot of half naked women, abrubtly trying to start conversations with strangers hoping to do something else, but Allah saved me from actual zina every time till now. My wife knows bits and [pieces of my pron addiction, but she gets very depressed (as any pure, loyal muslim sister would feel). So, I stopped sharing with her. Right now, I have to look at pron every week-at most a week and half, otherwise I feel so restless that can’t concentrate in anything until I do it.
I prefer watching sexual videos to having relationship with my wife. Even if I have relationship with my wife, I still get cravings for porn and those seem more exciting to me. I also have very fast “premature ejaculation”, especially if I stay clean for some days and then go to my wife. I feel this is often frustrating to my wife, but being an extremely shy and modest girl, she doesn’t complain, she just says, “don’t worry, it’s ok”. But if I watch porn and exhaust myself with multiple orgasms, then later go to my wife, this problem of “premature ejaculation” is not there. I obsess about womens’ bodies and sex.
Feel very helpless within myself. I married early (when I was 24) hoping marriage would be the “magical solution”, but apparently, that is not the case-but I must admit marriage is extremely helpful, extremely helpful and a very positive and helathy thing.
Any of my muslim brother/sister wants to advice this sinner slave of Allah? would you please make do’a for me? i shall be eternally grateful to you.
Assalamu Alaikum wa RahmatAllahi wa barakatuh
“A sinner slave”… it is sad to hear your story. We pray that Allah helps you recover from this disease of the heart.
I don’t think there is more we can advise you other than the great amount of information and tips in the post. I would urge you to read the post carefully and then commit yourself to a technique or more. IF you want our encouragement you can always post your progress and we will continue to make dua’ for you.
Stop it Muslims, or you will all go blind. < src='http://muslimmatters.org/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif' alt=':-D' class='wp-smiley' />
On a more serious note, Muslims have such terrible sexual hangups; which is why Muslims can’t cope when they come to the West.
the pontiff,
I take it you know about how muslims can’t “cope” because of all your experience with muslims? lol. Your ignorance of the subject would be funny if it weren’t so sad. The Muslim community in the US and Canada (not to mention worldwide) is very diverse and comes from numerous s (yup the Pontif, there are even a few Muslims who aren’t Arab and are married to only one woman). Could Muhmaed Ali and Ice Cube “cope” with living in the Usa? or are you talking only about immigrant Muslims? In which case always moving to a new country can bring about times of confusion or difficulty adjusting. Every immigrant group has faced that. But again, i think your generalization about the Muslim community is missing the point at a genours best or more likely woefuly ignorant. I don’t think anyone can honestly say that an addiction to pornography (whch unfortunately is prevelant across the cultural/ religious devide) is a good thing or that trying to help individuals away from this problem as a sexual hangup.
Sequoia, drop your American ethnocentric stance, and cease the Moslem victimhood spin, which only hobbles Islam from accepting progressive secular values.
Moslems too often can not accept human biology which makes some men homosexual, some not, and some bisexual. Pornography is merely a visual stimuli to aid in one’s sexual expression. Of course, to Moslems, who object even to pictures of their prophet in a comic strip, let alone sexual imagery (which they vilify as evil), well there’s a lot of work for the Moslems to enter the 21st Century. Of course, many Moslems choose not to as they prefer to remain locked into the obsolete 7th Century while they impose their dark ages beliefs on others. This is why there’s fatwahs and murders on intellectuals for merely expressing the basic right of freedom of speech.
And before you play the usual “Islamophobia” victim card (yes, I can see you chaffing at the bit), remember “Islamophobia’ has one purpose — to suppress any criticism, legitimate or not, of Islam.
“ThePontiff”: it is obvious that you came here with the goal of trolling. And we usually allow your type to spew a bit and then shut it off, not because we are afraid to listen to your garbage, but because you have not come here to intelligently discuss; rather to comment in an arrogant and condescending form, so as to satisfy that little bigot in you. Do you really feel that the “Moslems” will take kindly to your approach and actually change their behavior in response to your insulting comments?
As for Sequoia, he is not a Muslim, is not funded by Muslims and has no other motivations to “defend” Muslims except that he is an open-minded fair individual who recognizes the perils of stereotyping and bigotry. We have been down this route before with black Americans, with Japanese Americans, with German Americans and let’s not forget the Commies.
As for as your statements about homosexuality and bisexuality, I find it interesting that you feel that acceptance of sexual behavior is synonymous with progressive behavior? So, tomorrow if someone accepts incest and polyamry (still not widely “accepted” behaviors), then does that mean that person is REALLY ahead of the curve? What about the majority of Christians, Jews and other religious people who also refuse to accept homosexuality and bisexuality, including our current President… are they still living in the 1st Century? If accepting these behaviors (note I am not saying that one should discriminate against these folks) means progressivism to you, then we are in no need of it.
As for freedom of speech, that’s a bogus, hypocritical charge, esp. in the West. No doubt that freedom of speech is ahead in Western societies, but try speaking about the holocaust and you’ll be locked up in Europe. Why permit cartoon strips to offend Muslims, yet disallow holocaust denial that offends Jews? Why not have the same standard?
Finally, Islamophobia is as real as antisemitism, racism and all other sorts of bigotry. Just like the Germans in the pre-holocaust days denied that there was any antisemitism, calling it imagination; similarly bigots like you would like to deny this form of racism (and Islamophobia IS racism just like antisemitism IS racism), so that you can feel comfortable in your prejudice and hatred.
pwnage.
The Pontif,
But here is the point….you place your world view (ie Muslims are 7th century intolerant fools) on not only my comments but on the topic at hand. You knew nothing about my or ideas. Same as any of the commenters on here. Yet, in your infinite wisdom you “knew” what I wanted to label you. If you have some criticism of something specific then state it, as I am sure almost everyone on this coomunity will respond to your points respectfully, even if some of these points don’t deserve as much (I am speaking on previous commenters who have issued disrespectful comments, yet were treated to a intelligent reply). As for not accepting biology, conservatives in all religion take a conservative approach to sex. Which religion leads the “absitinence” program here in the US? What would happen to an orthodox jewish girl who was found out to have sex with her “secret” boyfriend.
All this victim crying from Islam while it acts the bigot towards women, homosexuals and secular progressives. I note you’re all good spin doctors who never condemn the intolerance of Islam. How convenient. Just remember, feminism, homosexual rights and secularism will not give way to religious bigots. The Christians were finally forced to reform in the name of tolerance and so will homophobic Islam. You’re free to practice your religion but you will not be allowed to undermine the human rights of others.
aselamu alikum all i was so sad on reading about po. i do not want even spell the word and please especially with ayas letter,,, please i want to contact this girl i really want to be online frend and support in any whay please admin give her my email address.
We do not share contact details or other privacy information. Thank you for your concern. -MM
I recommend to anyone who is struggling in the sin of pornography to turn to a good accountability software for their computer. I work for Covenant Eyes, and we’ve created a very robust program that monitors Internet usage and makes that information available to accountability partners of your choosing.
I invite you to go to http://www.covenanteyes.com and enter promocode ‘onefree’ to receive a free 30 day trial of the program. That promo code is open to anyone who wants it.
The inspiration for the company name comes from the book of Job in the Bible. “Commemorate Our Servant Job” (Qur’an, Surah 38:41)
Salam,
Muslims today face a difficult challenge of living in lewd society with clear guidelines on how to deal with premartial sex and women. So we fall to temptation and commit sins against the beautiful gift of God-our soul, rationality, body and health.
I have found an excellent solution to live the life that Allah wants to. Namely:
1) Don’t be alone. Study in the library, mix yourself with the opposite gender in public to mitigate sexual tension and temptation. Moreover, being around the opposite gender with others while doing productive acts will demystify them and make being with them a norm.
2) Be proactive about your room-put your trust in God and keep the door open if you live in dorms or with other people.
In short: NEVER leave yourself alone, Shaytan wants to destroy man, especially the Muslim.
May ALLAH give us strength to be his vicegerents as He created us to be.
Another thing, you Muslim brothers out there, who got addicted to pornogaphy should be ashamed of yourselves. I have no pity for you, but scorn. If you really loved your wives, you would never of gotten addicted to that garbage in the first place. If I was married, and I am not, my Muslim wife would my first priority and my only focus in life. The problem with you Muslim men who live in the West is that you forget the beauty of your Muslim women and you run after all of these Western whores. I speak as a Muslim man, who once left Islam for Christianity, and who converted back to Islam. And since then, I have come to appreciate my dear Muslim sisters and how beautiful they are. Love your wives, that is the only advice I can give you.
make Istighfaar(Astaghfirullahi min qulle zanbin wa atubu iliah) all the times. Istighfaar really breaks the back of Shaytaan. and one more thing try to minimize watching tv and other magazines bcz it’s little things like these in tvs and magazines that lead you to bigger Fawahish such as pornography. so if u stay away from these small stuff insha Allah your lust/temptations will decrease.
1 thing i forgot to mention is that try to be in wudu 24/7 that minimizes the effect of shaytaan. for sister i’ve this advice get an audio cd of qur’an with translation and play it whenever your husband sits on the computer that might stop him and brothers can try it too. may Allah guide us to the right path and may he shower his mercy and blessings upon us. Amin
I’m a little confused about this issue. I’m a male, unmarried, 23 years old and working. Just as mentioned in the article my parents think I’m too young to marry. They have no idea of the problems we face. I’m stuck in this dilemma and have no idea where to find a pious wife, how to convince my parents etc. etc. suggestions anyone ?
Living under the pressures in the society, internet and what have you. It is impossible to control your desires.
I’ve been living under the assumption that when I’ll get married I’ll automatically quit pornography and I’m pretty convinced on that but reading this article has scared me a bit. Why would someone go to pornography when you have a wife to go to ? I don’t get it, why would it still remain an addiction ?
Also I would like to point I don’t think living in a Muslim country helps, the world seems to be converting into 1 big block with same crap everywhere. I went to North America recently & lived there for few months, I didn’t really face a big shock. I did not find the environment of much difference in fact it was better. To my surprise somehow I had a low sexual drive in North America compared to my homeland, I haven’t been able to figure out why, perhaps it was change of lifestyle or something, I don’t know but those where good days < src='http://muslimmatters.org/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif' alt=':)' class='wp-smiley' /> Actually I didn’t do any pornography for the time I lived in North America but when I came back to homeland things started changing and they are back to as they were in the past.
I feel stuck on how all this is going to get resolved and I am gonna get out of this mess. Its a dead end for now.
The advice that you mentioned in the article, well that can really help if you are married what could unmarried person do ?
salam., i’m semi religious with huge fornication problems myself (though not porno as much ) and even I was totally ‘wowed’ after I read agravesinner’s account. Like what the heck man…
Anyway, I’m not married (21) but I can imagine how one can be bored sexually even after being married. Same thing with a girlfriend.
It’s not about sexual desire, all these sins are more about mental desires. And you have to be satisfied with your wife mentally.
She has to seduce you in a unique way everytime and entertain you. I can guarantee all you porn addicts will never ever watch porn again, b/c all porn does anyway is provide entertainment, which is obviously lacking from your sex lives.
How can you be married and still watch porn !! Or visit escorts!
Wives need to know how to entertain their husbands. It shouldn’t always be about sexual penetration and that’s it. Just the thought of that sounds so boring let alone doing that all the time.
Wives need to know what to wear and know how to act in bed. Steal your husband mentally. He’ll love you forever.
Later guys,
Have fun.
I am not a Muslim, but I identify deeply with the problem of pornography addiction. Now, having some distance with that life, I am so thankful that I am not there anymore.
I now work for a company called Covenant Eyes. The company has been making and distributing Internet accountability software for the past 8 years and has helped tens of thousands find freedom from porn’s grip. It is really rewarding to hear testimonies about people who are finally finding accountability.
Our software isn’t like a Internet filter; it simply monitors where a person goes on the Internet. Covenant Eyes servers create detailed Internet-use reports of every single website visited. These reports cannot be edited or erased (like a computer’s Internet history). We have an up-to-date scoring system that rates sites based on content and includes those ratings on the report. Accountability partners (of that person’s choosing) can then view that person’s Internet activity via emailed reports or on our website 24/7. People avoid viewing porn online because they know they are accountable for what they see.
Covenant Eyes also has a promotional code you can use to get a free month to try out their accountability service. Go to http://www.covenanteyes.com and enter promocode ‘onefree’ to receive a free 30 day trial of the program.
Anyone who is struggling with this problem, please stop by our website!
Luke Gilkerson
Internet Community Manager
Covenant Eyes
http://www.covenanteyes.com
PS: The name Covenant Eyes comes from the Bible in the book of Job, “I have made a covenant with my eyes” (Job 31:1), but Covenant Eyes members are from multiple faiths (any many from no faith ). “Commemorate Our Servant Job” (Quran, 38:41)
I have porn addictrion to…brothers my only suggestion is leaving North America and living a simple life in muslim lands…and when your there advise the brothers at the internet cafe to not let you in. Then work on yourself…this is the fight of our lives…if we really want Jannah then this is were our test lies…we must fight against our evil selves and get to Jannah…at all cost.
Also aquire knowledge so that you may increase your fear of Allah subhanu wa ta ala.
Bismillah
A brother said:
“Another thing, you Muslim brothers out there, who got addicted to pornogaphy should be ashamed of yourselves. I have no pity for you, but scorn. If you really loved your wives, you would never of gotten addicted to that garbage in the first place. If I was married, and I am not, my Muslim wife would my first priority and my only focus in life. The problem with you Muslim men who live in the West is that you forget the beauty of your Muslim women and you run after all of these Western whores. I speak as a Muslim man, who once left Islam for Christianity, and who converted back to Islam. And since then, I have come to appreciate my dear Muslim sisters and how beautiful they are. Love your wives, that is the only advice I can give you.”
Dear brother, the sin which you committed is worse than watching porn. The two do not even compare. So your lack of sympathy or pity for these brothers should not dismay them or hurt them in any way (I hope). You returned to Islam - all praise is due to Allah - and we ask Allah to forgive your past and to brighten your future. We also ask Allah to strengthen us in these times of fitnah.
You said a very silly comment “If you really loved your wives, you would never of gotten addicted to that garbage in the first place. ” which is very silly because some have started the addiction before they were married. It is the filthy culture that the kuffaar have brought and it has - unfortunately - seeped into the Muslim lands at an alarming rate. This type of filth is available in our lands as well. It is hard to quit an addiction once a person is hooked, though it is possible. If you read the article you would have realized that the brother who mentioned his story (and those who commented with similar problems) are very disgusted with this act and hate and despise it and wish to quit it forever. So do not give us a holier-than-thou attitude, rather try to say something constructive and helpful for your brothers.
Anyway, my anger is at the fact that you have completely missed the point and you are scorning your brothers without even understanding their situation, and [thus] your advice was off-the-point. If we want to help each other, we ask Allah and we try to provide solutions.
One drastic solution, as brother Ridwan suggested, is to escape from all the evil and corruption and fitnah and run away to a simple village life (which is still available in many parts of the world). A person would have to sacrifice almost all the modern conveniences he has become accustomed to…but if the fitnah is attacking from all sides (and I am not just referring to the evil temptation of immorality which may come in the form of porn, fornication, adultery, and the list goes on) then one will see this as a worthy trade-off in exchange for getting away from the evils that have enshrouded today’s ‘modern’ societies.
Of course, not many would even consider such a solution, or even think it practical or permissible. Many would not be able to make such a major change, to take such a big and decisive step. One would think “will I be able to handle that?” and “surely there must be another way.” Anyway, we have drifted off from the actual discussion here.
Other solutions are - as some suggested - to cut off or limit internet access and try to plan your time so that you simply have no time for this evil habit. Or to try the psychological method mentioned in the article. The most important thing - as Sh. Yasir said - is not to lose hope in the Mercy of Allah, for Allah forgives all sins. Make du’a constantly and ask Him to guide you, and continue to repent and try to overcome your problem. I ask Allah to rid our brothers of this evil problem and to strengthen us and guide us.
Alhamdulillah, Allah is Al-Rahman, Al-Raheem, Al-’Afu, Al-Ghafoor…
Ali Sarfraz…i am 28 and my story is not getting any better.
Inshallah, I hope I get my condition improved so I can hope for a wife soon…coz I struggle…i feel miserable after i visit stuff like that …but i sometimes justify it in my head….i am studying at a college and my parents are your typical parents who think marriage is only after you get a good job that pays you big bucks etc..though i think such a concern is legitimate,…since .i can’t afford a wife with my part-time university job which is also soon to be ending…and i’ don’t know what i’ll be doing in the next couple of months….i am planning and sending resumes..
Lot of my boredom gets entertained with watching loner movies or old shows like godzilla, diehard, terminator2, 40 yearold virgin…..daninreallife…aboutaboy…Anne of green gables or Road to Avonlea (yea i know i was 13 when I saw this show and i still watch it !!)…i also use to listen to “good love is on its way” and similar songs (now cutting down)…i try to limit watching movies other than family shows or older series like sherlock holmes etc. ..
And including of course listening to lectures by hamza yusuf, or reading stuff on this blog…youtube videos…listening to noam chomsky..george galloway…watching “the OFFICE” episodes…and then the porn comes in somewhere there say once in 6-7-days..anyways…i am going to take all the advice from this blog..inshallah and see how it plays out…i liked the extending the sujjood and rukuu idea..
Oh yea..you guys have to listen to this kid, ..http://youtube.com/watch?v=tckAvtt96bY&feature=related
You need help if you have an addiction. Don’t justify it in any way. As Muslims, we have free will. Free will gives us the ability to make choices which is either A or B.
I don’t recall the hadith but the Prophet PBUH states be careful of the minor sins for they lead to major sins. One thing standing between you and repentances is yourself. No one can stand between you and allah for tawbah. However its must be sincere and genuine, meaning you dont go back to action that caused the deviation.
Trust me brothers, I know how you feel, its like your self destructing and you cant do anything about it. People tell you to get over it, but we know it aint that easy. So whats at stake. Eternal life in Hell at the price of Jannah. People can call me evil…cuz I am, tell me something I don’t know. THe fact is that to get over this addiction there needs to be great sacrifice and hardship. I’ve thought about blinding myself, still might do it, yep, I’m that desperate. The evil nature of my soul proves to overpowering, I’m supposed to quit forever when I cant get passed 1 year without relapse?! I may sound pesimistic, but I’m not, I’ve got two solutions, one of em’ is leaving north america to muslim lands and living a simple life, and the other is blinding myself at least then i know i won’t be able to look at these pictures even if i tried.
The first article written by the addicted husband was like a new type of literature for me to read, as I have never read such an open confession with that clarity of self-awareness within the Islamic literature.
What you have mentioned might be the case of many unmentioned stories among us.
My advice to you (that you might already know) and to all of us who might fall into that situation is:
1. Never accept the idea that you can’t help your self and that you are tracked for good. If you have not succeeded so far, one nice day, Allah will rescue you from your self. Your confidence in your self might be down, but your confidence in Allah should always be high. The ultimate goal of shaytan is to make you loose hope. Once you have surrendered he will push you even further and further..
2. Keep blaming yourself each time you fall. It’s even more dangerous to get used to being a sinner or not feeling the danger of the sin.
3 Each time you fall, repent to Allah and repent and repent………… this is the only way that will keep your heart alive.
4. Encounter each failure with a good deed equivalent to the size of the sin… For example spend a great deal of money fi sabili Allah, sponsor an orphan, and spend of your time and your skills to develop an activity or an organisation that would benefit others. Have a list of goals you want to achieve and each time you fall, work harder to achieve those goals. This is what Allah would love to see you doing while repenting and this is what make shaytan a looser each time you follow him. He can’t afford that, but he is patient enough to encourage you sinning until you loose hope in you self.
I believe the fact that you memorized Quran during your toughest period has helped you to maintain your Islamic self-image. Things could have been worse.
5. Finally, Environment has a great impact on all of us but even more a decisive impact on some of us who cannot resist it as good as others. Make sure you minimize your moments of temptation. If it is the internet, then you know who your enemy is, restrict the use of it by allowing your wife or your friend to have full control over your computer and you can be logged on as guest etc. You will find a way to handle your situation better once you know your weaknesses and your enemy (shaytan) and what you want to achieve. Even then you might loose some battles, but they will be much fewer than other wise.
I hope to be the first one to benefit from these words, as our struggle in dunia ends only the day we leave it.
Remember that Allah’s mercy is beyond our recognition.
Before I begin, I wanted to say Jazakam Allahu Khayran to all the brothers who have shared their stories on this topic. Just reading through the posts on this subject has helped me curb my problem a lot when I come face to face to it at certain times, but….I’m still addicted.
I’ll try to be vague but still get the point across inshaAllah so others can benefit from this post. And of course, keep myself anonymous for obvious reasons. But for the meanwhile, I’ll go by the name Ubaydullah. I am a Muslim male between the ages of 15-20 (the younger group of the addicts, not that it makes me the “better porn addict” as it was stated before) and have been addicted since I was 11. Of course you can’t blame anyone but yourself for the addiction, but I wished my parents would have kept our computer in a public area at that time I developed my addiction instead of in a secluded portion of the house in our basement. I was going through puberty at that time period as well which caused a big problem.
The time I discovered porn, I remember that it was out of curiosity. I would be playing a game on a website or something and than an ad would come up and I would click on it. This led me to different portals I wish I hadn’t discovered.
Then came the drive to keep going at it. I would go to school (SubhanAllah, in the 5th/6th grade we would be talking about these things) and kids would be engrossed in discussions about sex, pornography, private parts, etc which would worsen my problem.
Oh you Muslim parents out there! Your child is not free of sin. When he goes to school, he learns more than he should (which is not a good thing here in reference to the topic). You must spend time with your children and when the time approaches, teach him/her about sex education through Islam’s teaching methods. Do not let the schools dictate this subject to your kid. I remember my parents talked to me about sex the first time was for maybe 10 minutes after my dad found out they were teaching us about it at Sunday School. Than when I turned 12, my parents asked me if the school talked to me about “sensitive issues.” Again, the only way I learned about sex was through school, kids, and sex ed (I HIGHLY recommend for brothers/sisters to completely throw this class out of your schedule if you have a chance). Now back to my story.
It became a regular thing for me. I’d come home from school and just watch porn for maybe an hour everyday. Than as you get older, you start to masturbate as well. That became a regular habit. Now, Alhamdullilah the porn habit is a little bit curbed….but I still battle with the problem of masturbation.
At this point I wanted to make a bulletin which worsens the situation. Allah (SWT) has blessed me to study Islam full-time in America. Studying Islam will not necessarily cure the problem, but it sure will help. Don’t EVER think huffadh and ulema don’t get addicted to this problem. It’s actually easier for them than us laymen. My teacher used to give the example that the student of knowledge has 10 shayateen upon himself while the regular worshipper has only 1.
I realized that I have an addiction with is as equal to maybe smoking weed or some other type of substance abuse. I have made dependability upon that thing and must stop for I will have to stand in front of Allah and will have to account for my disgusting habit in one hand while doing this pure act of studying my deen in the other. I remember that at a time, I wanted to talk to a brother about my problem. So I told him and he couldn’t help me in any regard. That REALLY hurt me. I just told my deepest, darkest secret and you can’t give me any advice?! Than I told someone else, a close friend of mine. AlHamdulillah, may Allah (SWT) increase him in his knowledge and life. He was truly a solace and hope for me. He would sort of guide me through the way. I also called the Muslim Youth Helpline - http://www.ajyal.ca/ in Canada. (MuslimMatters posted on this a bit ago). MashaAllah, just being able to talk and get help for this problem was a relief for me….at the same time remaining anonymous. May Allah (SWT) increase their benefits for the Muslim Ummah. Ameen
My real problem is not pornography now, its masturbation..like i mentioned above. (Porn still plays a role in my life today, unfortunetly). I wish I could get married tomorrow to cure the problem. But than again, due to age and money factors its not happening. And I can’t come to my parents and say, “Mom, dad, can I get married so I can stop masturbating and watching porn?” So what do I do? What the Prophet (SAW) said. Fast. Yea, sure, it’s the summer months, the days are long and the nights are short. But, do you really have a choice? You have to do it for the sake of Allah. I know brothers that want to curb their sexual appetite with fasting but can’t go on w/ for more than 3-4 days. Who said you have to fast everyday? Do it every other day. If not that than every Monday and Thursday. (Don’t set your standards lower than that).
Continued….
salam Br. Ubaydullah. That was mashallah quite an obviously sincere comment.
To be honest, I think you have done well to get yourself off the porn. Because that obviously is a big factor in the masturbation problem. Try to think of triggers that lead to your desire for masturbation. What is it that you do, hear or see that makes you want to do this? Lowering the gaze, which I know is very hard in this society, can be quite effective because usually visual stimulation is it for men.
I don’t mean to make minimize this, but if your only problem is masturbation, then inshallah you will get over it sooner or later. You will get sick of it, its a phase that many go through. Especially since you are studying Allah’s religion full-time, it is only a matter of time before you get over it.
With your parents, this is one of the issue of the communication gap. It is so difficult to talk about such topics to one’s parents. If your parents use email, that is one way of communicating without facing them. Tell them that you want to marry to save yourself from sexual sins. You don’t have to be explicit. If your parents are concerned enough about your akhira to send you to full-time Islamic studies, as they are, then they will understand this issue too.
Read this article too:
Constant Sins & Repentance: Pearls from the Sunnah
Jazakam Allahu Khayr, Br Amad. Here’s the rest of my story…For some reason this website won’t let post my whole story in one comment…
My real problem is not pornography now, its masturbation..like i mentioned above. (Porn still plays a role in my life today, unfortunetly). I wish I could get married tomorrow to cure the problem. But than again, due to age and money factors its not happening. And I can’t come to my parents and say, “Mom, dad, can I get married so I can stop masturbating and watching porn?” So what do I do? What the Prophet (SAW) said. Fast. Yea, sure, it’s the summer months, the days are long and the nights are short. But, do you really have a choice? You have to do it for the sake of Allah. I know brothers that want to curb their sexual appetite with fasting but can’t go on w/ for more than 3-4 days. Who said you have to fast everyday? Do it every other day. If not that than every Monday and Thursday. (Don’t set your standards lower than that).
Ubaydullah, you essentially repeated yourself. Pls read my comment again inshallah…
i was trying to post my whole experience but it wouldn’t let me. ironically, that portion was the one to be posted right after.
the first paragraph i wrote now while the second i copied and pasted.
salaam
i would just like to say to all the brothers who are struggling with this horrible disease dont give in and try to climb back out of that hole by getting close to allah.
I was guided to this site to see what a huge problem this is after I spoke to one of the sisters abt this issue. I recently found out that my husband has been calling prostitutes for over 10 months which is when we got married. His calls last only a minute long and he gets these numbers off a website. For the past three months these calls have been around 100 calls every month. When I first found out abt these calls I broke down and called my parents. They think its a passing thing and he will get over it. I am not able to trust him at all & probably think we should seperate. I knew him for 5 years before we solemnized our marriage but never knew this side of him existed. He says he came across the site while watching it on tv a few days before we got married. When I read the above store I am completely able to relate to the wife’s point of view. I worry that he still does it behind my back. He says he was getting a kick out of calling these women and finding out how much they charged. His calls were all over the U.S and not just restricted to my city. I am not able to explain my situation to any of my family members coz they think he will be over it. My husband has started lying about a lot of small things and now I try to keep a tab on his whereabouts and his phone usage. He gets very frustrated with that telling me that I treat him like a kid. We waiting very long to marry each other and when I found this out everything seems false. There are many days that I think I suffer a severe depression for I am not able to concentrate on anything I do. He wanted me to work and his calls reached phenominal numbers when I started working three months ago. I trace his phone bill everyday and now I see he is not making any phone calls from his cell. But I worry that he has access to many different phones at his work. All the stories I have read so far have not convinced me that any one of the brothers could get over their addiction. I worry that he cant either. I dont know how to help him coz most times I am too upset and always argue abt the same situation. He refuses to go for marriage counselling with me telling me that he’s not going to do it again, but I am simply not able to trust him at all. I need help from some sister in a similar situation who was able to help her husband get over it. Our intimate relation has no flaws according to him and he says his addiction has nothing to do with me. Please help me for I cant get over my mistrust and I dont think he will ever get over it. What should I do?
Salam Brothers and sisters.
I a 25 year old male, a recovering addict to porn and masturbation.
It all started at about the age of 10/11, when I accidentally discovered masturbation. Back then I did not understand what I was doing and did not realise that this was haram (But I have to say, I would always do it in secret, even though I was young I had an inkling that this was wrong). Anyway I continued in this fashion for a year or two, and then I discovered porn. At first I was too embarrassed to simply walk into a shop and buy a magazine, so I would literally look in people’s garbage, in the hope of finding pornographic material. I remember staying awake late at night and turning on the TV once my parents slept, in order to watch late night TV which often showed soft-core porn. (I remember in shame the lengths I would go to conceal my secret, e.g. closing the door, but not completely so that I can hear approaching footsteps and hiding a pornographic video underneath a loose floorboard that was nearly discovered by my father).
It got so bad, and I felt so guilty, that one day, I was about 13 years old then, I took a brave step and confessed to my father, who was extremely supportive and gave me practical tips to my problem. It worked for a few months and my father thought he was successful, but unfortunately I relapsed and went back to my old ways.
I continued like this for a few years until about the age of 15/16 (throughout this time I always felt guilty and ashamed but continued any way), that was when the internet became mainstream. To me this was the start of a new level in watching porn, as it made it so easy, (no need for embarrassing walks in to an adult shop, and off course the ease of access and variety of porno content on the web). I started off by simply watching nude pics and downloading free video-clips (you see the porn barons are very much like drug dealers, you get your first joint for free, then you’re hooked and forced to go back to the dealer, but this time you have to pay to get the harder content). However, after about 2 yrs the free stuff simply was not enough, I needed more to quench my ever-increasing lustfulness. This was when I crossed another fence, using my credit card (a bit like a previous post).
This continued until about the age of 20. This was when it really got out of control as I started to contemplate visiting prostitutes; you see watching porn alone was not enough. Again, its like drugs, you start with cannabis and end up with crack/heroin. Again the internet made it very easy to do this, as prostitutes advertise themselves on the web on certain specialist websites. At first, like the previous post I would only call these women, it kind of gave me a kick. I would justify it to my self by saying that ‘its not haram to talk, as long as I don’t actually act on my feelings’, but yes… you guessed it, I moved on to the next level and committed Zina. After the first experience which left me feeling quite guilty, I decided to repent to Allah and stop watching porn, but once you have been addicted to something for so long it’s very easy to relapse. In fact, I started to visit prostitutes on a regular basis, justifying it to myself by saying ‘ as long as I do not engage in penetrative sex then my sin is not so great’.
After a year or two, I decided that the only way to solve my problem is to get married. Unfortunately, marriage only helped for a few months, and then I relapsed once more.
However, things changed exactly 1 year ago. As I’m sure you have realised, this beast of an addiction has been the storey of my life, it has absolutely consumed me in every way, I have tried so many times to slay the beast, but every time I fail. Yet, something happened to me exactly one year ago that allows me to stand before this forum today, and announce that I have finally slayed this beast. In fact, today is my 1 year anniversary of victory. Like all other addicts whenever I repented I knew at the back of my mind that this will not last. 1 year ago, when I repented I came to the realisation that I cannot have this thought at the back of my mind, as it made my repentance worthless. I then sat down and brainstormed all the Ill consequences of porn; I came up with the following,
1) The most important one off course is going to HELL
2) Constantly feeling guilty and worthless
3) Constantly feeling ashamed of my self, this led to poor self-esteem and lack of confidence.
4) Wasting my precious time. Time that can be spent learning new things or simply enjoying the company of friends
5) Having to constantly lie to cover my tracks, and then to lie again to cover my previous lies, and so on
6) Sexual contact with my wife became a chore rather than something to look forward to, as I simply was no longer excited by my wife (and bless her little heart, she tries so hard to seduce me)
7) The feeling of utter emptiness after masturbating, compared to the feeling of joy when hugging my wife in bed
< src='http://muslimmatters.org/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_cool.gif' alt='8)' class='wp-smiley' /> The amount of money wasted: I can honestly say that in the space of about 10 years, I blew approximately fifteen thousand pounds (£15000) on porn and prostitutes. This money could have gone to the poor, it could have gone towards my mortgage, it would have paid for about 10 holidays, or at least 4/5 visits to the holy city of Mecca.
9) The inability to do anything that would please Allah (such as read quran, or help the Muslim UMMA), as I always felt ‘what’s the point of doing a good deed, as I have committed so many disgusting sins’
10) The utter humiliation I would feel had my wife found out, not to mention the enormous amount of pain I would cause her had she found out I was watching porn and even cheated on her’.
So, how did I stop? It’s a combination of everything really.
1) Constantly reminding myself of the 10 disadvantages outlined above (I have them stored on my organiser, and read them every day)
2) Reading quran and dua everyday, and paying charity.
3) Never staying home alone if possible
4) Praying on time
5) Going to my wife when ever I felt the desire (off course it helps that I have a wife who is very enthusiastic when it comes to sexual matters)
6) Encouraging my wife to always dress provocatively when we are at home.
Apart from these 6 points, I have a few more tips that have worked for me.
1) 1 year ago, I made a Nidhr to Allah, so that if I was to relapse I would have to fast 120 days continuously.
2) every day, I go in front of the mirror and I psyche myself up, screaming ‘NEVER’, ‘NEVER’, ‘NEVER’, over and over again, ( ‘NEVER’, as in I will ‘never’ go back to my old ways again)
3) I have a secret book that I purchased specifically for this purpose. I have marked all the dates of the year on it for the next couple of years. Next to every day I either have a tick which would represent a successful day, in other words a day I did not watch porn in, or I would have a cross, which would represent failure. Alhamdu-lilllah I now have 365 ticks, and not a single cross. I look at all these ticks every day, and it gives me a sense of achievement. I would not want to see a cross in this book, as it would symbolise a return to the old ways. Seeing that cross would seriously depress me, hence I avoid it at all cost.
I hope these tips will help. Please read dua for me as I want to continue on the right track. I know I can. I know I can. I know I can. Allah is on my side. Allah is on my side. Allah is on my side.
NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER
A final Tip that I forgot to mention earlier, is to remember how guilty, depressed and ashamed you wil feel, after commiting the sin of watching porn or masturbating.
Sorry I keep remembering extra points. Alot of you will probably agree with me that you watch porn when you are bored and have free time on your hand. There is a verse in the Quran about free time and how it should be used. I also recently heard a lecture in which the Imam said that all evil comes from spare time, as this is when a human is at his most vulnerable, you have nothing to do, nothing to pre-occupy your mind, so in order to fill this void, you commit a sin such as watching porn. The message here is always occupy your mind with something useful ( read a book, visit a friend, play football/sports, start a project, watch a comedy, anything really, as long as it is not haram ) never remain idle when you have time on your hands as boredom can be your downfall, and lead you to the wrong path.
wow Br. Ahmed. That was an absolutely amazing story and excellent advice. If you can kick a habit of years and years, since childhood, I think there should be hope for all the brothers who still have this issue. I applaud you for being a true man. May Allah help you stay sincere, and please do keep telling us as you pass one anniversary after another. Your example will be a source of encouragement to many inshallah. jazakAlahkhair
w/s
P.S. In fact, I will add your success story to the post.
Does anyone know of a software, where I can block certain parts of a website instead of blocking the entire website? For ex I would like to keep the access to craigslist but restrict the dating part of the site? I have been trying to look for one such software.
salams. i would like to add a suggestion.
many years ago i quit smoking weed. it was one of the most difficult things i have done. i knew it had to be cold turkey, because i learned that from smoking cigarettes which i was able to quit only after i almost died from pneumonia. so i made a solemn oath to Allah ta’ala that i would quit weed. i knew that if i made that oath that i could not break it or i would have to fast like 90 days (i am not sure but i know the punishment for breaking an oath is very hard). so alhamdolilah, at one of my very low points i made the oath and have not touched it in about 10 years.
incidentally, quitting cigarettes was the hardest addiction for me and one of the hardest things i have ever done. but it took over five years to get over the addiction. it was a struggle for years and years. about 8 or 9 years later did i feel like it was not a problem for me anymore. alhamdolilah. addictions like these are years and years in the breaking. and it must be cold turkey. i knew that it would only take one puff to ruin all my efforts, and so for years i struggled against that one puff and it is not about 13 years alhamdolilah.
when it came to quitting weed, i needed a new strategy. the only thing i could think of was making an oath. i had to build up to making the oath. it is not something you just jump into and do. it is very serious and so you treat it as any serious matter. i thought on it for a long time until i could make it with the utmost sincerity and determination. i struggled with that addiction for years too. but this time it was not fighting the ‘one puff’; it was keeping a solemn oath between me and Allah ta’ala. and alhamdolilah Allah gave me tawfeeq (so far).
also, with weed, i smoked it because i believed i was getting something out of it. i had to convince myself that i could get that ‘need’ fulfilled other ways; i could pray to Allah ta’ala to fulfill my needs from something halal instead of weed. i also had to come to complete terms with the fact that it was hurting my and my life and stop making excuses.
but addictions are life long. and there are moments in our low times when the thoughts and urges will pop out of nowhere, but they do weaken as time goes by. i do believe that these addictions are almost impossible to break. it is Allah ta’ala that gives us tawfeeq.
about 7 years after i quit weed, i went through a real traumatic time in my life when the urge to get high overcame me and i thought i was going to break down and get high again. but inshaAllah that was the last time. and it has been almost 3 years since then that i have not thought about it until now.
so, in conclusion i am saying that addictions are not easy. they take years and years to overcome. and if you have tried everything, then maybe it is time to try making an oath to Allah ta’ala that you will stay away from that addiction, and seek help, as the QUran says, in patience and prayer.
salams.
Salam -
One really good protection software that I’ve found is K9 Web Protection. It’s extremely simple to use, it’s 100% free, and it fulfills all of the functions that one would expect from a protection software, even better than most others for which you have to pay.
@ nisa:
Try K9. You can block categories of websites, as well as entire web addresses (whole websites, or parts of websites). You can also make exceptions to blocked categories the same way.
It’s available for both PC and Mac.
Alhamdulillah, I hope that helps.
SeeNoEvil is good too.
It protects my children as well.
SeeNoEvil.com
The problem here is that it is not me who is addicted. My husband gave up smoking 5 years ago..and recently with his new found job and new friends he started smoking again. He has made me many promises with the name of Allah and has still broken them. He hid from me that he has been smoking for the past 4 months now. He has been making these phone calls since December and when I found out on May 1st he said he will not do it again, but I dont believe that…if he can break his promises on lil things how can I ever trust him on the big things? We are fighting every single day, I am in a miserable condition and most of the times I think the only way out for me to relieve me of this stress is divorce. But then again we come from a society where divorces are not so easy and moreova it has been only a year since we are married. His actions hurt me very deeply and I dont know if I will ever be able to move on with this burden. I look at it as if he has cheated me even though he says he did not touch any other woman.
Sharif,
There has been a lot of research on internet filters. The ones that work are the ones that can’t be disabled like the ones offered by Christian groups.
The problem with K9 is that it may be good for your kids but not for you, the one who has the password.
Most people on this forum are not ones looking for flters for their kids, but an internet filter for their kids and themselves.
From my experience, here is what you need to overcome your addiction:
1) A desire from the depth of your heart to break this addiction. This involves repentance and asking God for help
2) Keep the ayat in the Quran in mind, “Don’t even go near zina.” It is a slippery slope that takes you to viewing porn on the internet. Hence be watchful, mindful of what you watch on the internet. Watching porn is zina of the eyes.
3) You need a filter that can;t be turned off i.e. you need to call the filter company in order to disable it. There are several internet filters that offer “no password override option” e.g Safe Eyes, HedgeBuilders.
4) Some Christian filter companies even offer DSL internet that is filtered at the root.
Here are some of the filters that have the “no password override” option.
http://hedgebuilders.com/
http://www.internetsafety.com/safe-eyes/
http://www.afo.net/
http://bsafehome.com/
@ Kareem,
Unfortunately that is true. My point was that some people could have the password kept by someone who knows about their problem.
By the way, I think that this post shows how important it is for parents to monitor their children’s internet activity. Again, for that purpose, you can’t go wrong with K9 < src='http://muslimmatters.org/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif' alt=':)' class='wp-smiley' />
Bismillahi Ar Rahmani Ar Raheem,
Software won’t work, to overcome this addiction you must have patience, and make things a little easy on yourself by not ever using the computor.
I found this and thought that I would post this here. It’s a clip from a lecture by Anwar al-Awlaki about supporting brothers/sisters who are fighting addictions. http://www.islamictube.net/watch/7808746e9bb832a6fa4b/islamicvideo.html
Subhanallah, that is one of the beautiful things I find about the MM, is that they support each other and help each other, rather than waging out assaults and criticisms (which we see far too often) against each other. There is a true sense of brotherly/sisterly love and understanding. Alhamdulillah for MM!
For those struggling with p/mb addiction, please visit http://www.no-porn.com. Click on forum, then click on support board. Then register as a member (its anonymous). After registering, click on accountability circles, and then click on Muslim Accountability Circle. We’ve started a Muslim support board for p/mb addicts. This is one way we can support each other in the struggle to live up to our deen.
Way of the Salaf
June 13, 2007
Dispraise of al hawwa by Ibn al qayyim
Filed under: Tasawwuf — wayofthesalaf @ 12:07 am
Imaam Ibn al-Qayyim (rahimahullaahu ta’ala) said:
-Edited: Br. Ridwan, can you please provide the link to the text inshallah… as a comment, this is far too long…
You have to fight brothers…you have to FIGHT!
Your article is really impressive. I will read it again. I hope to see more of these kind of articles. You really write from the heart and it makes good sense.
Salam alaykum,
I’m writing this after a long and horrible addiction with internet porn websites (lasting about seventeen years). My addiction perhaps would not have happened if I hadn’t met brothers who had told me that internet porn was a halal and safe way for a single guy to fulfill desire without recourse to illicit sex. But, the problem was, I became hooked and even after marriage and four lovely kids I still wasted hours and hours of my time. As a computer consultant I regularly travel to Europe and so have had endless nights just sitting in front of the laptop in hotel rooms and wasting my time visiting sex sites.
The addiction almost got me visiting European brothels, but Allah prevented me from that. My feet went to brothels, but Allah took Kindness on me and I’m so happy to say that I always went to the wrong place or I ended up with the wrong telephone number. Yes, had it not been for the grace of Allah, I would have been a very sinful person indeed.
I felt bad about it, but always had an inkling that Allah would forgive me from the bottom of my heart.
Some time ago, my life was going through a bad patch and I just felt enough was enough and so threw all DVDs and recorded porn into the dustbin and deleted all of my password protected porn files. I prayed to Allah and He has turned my life around. Yes, dear brothers and sisters my whole life has been transformed. I didn’t know how much the internet and DVD masterbation was destroying my material as well as spiritual life. Materially, my career has gone from strength to strength as I now can devote all of my attention to my work. My family have also benefitted as I think about them more and play with my kids and I forced myself to spend longer time in the bedroom and think of my wife, this was inspired by the practise of our beloved prophet Muhammad s.a.w. I have since learnt that sex doesn’t just depend on how big certain body parts are. It’s about warmth, kindness and gentle talking and foreplay too. It’s two people coming together -not two animals coming together. I shudder when I think of what I used to watch quite happily and then go and perform Salat, pray and quietly return to the naked people on the computer screen..
Don’t get me wrong, I still get the urges to look at women in the shopping mall or to have a peek at websites, but I just don’t do this anymore. The pleasure I get from controlling my feelings is greater than the pleasure of watching dirty porn or staring at women. When I’m outside , many women wear perfume and sexy clothes that make me want to really look at them, but then I breathe in and think of Allah. I don’t look. It is important for you to know that my cravings for women are still there, but I don’t give in. So what has helped me to a porn-free life?
It was muraqbah and meditation on Allah and the Qur’an that has made the difference. (Allah truly has helped me with His Help for which I am so thankful) I do a lot of muraqbah and fill my heart up with Allah and the spirtual worlds. When I go to sleep, I see more wonderful images, and when I do Muraqbah I feel lovely feelings and colours and lights. I think this may be because I have also stopped fantasizing about sex, which I would do often. It also means that just because you have been a bad person doesn’t mean that you can’t have spiritual experiences once you sincerely repent.
(Oh, and my face has changed too. People say that I have ‘nur’ on my face. But I’m very embarrassed to tell them of my past. My wife doesn’t know of my past and I see no reason why I should dwell on my past)
If I had known about the great effects of not going into porn, I would have left it years ago. But the past is the past. If a person like me can do without porn, I’m sure anybody can. People sometimes forget that Allah does indeed help everyone.
Well, this is my story and I hope inshallah it inspires others to do the same. My only advice to you all is that porn isn’t a good thing to get addicted to. When I left porn, my life has transformed so much for the better. Inshallah please pray that i continue with my new llife. I’m really loving my life at the moment and I can’t stop thanking Allah, the Glorious Merciful Great Helper. Ameen.
Br Salih, that was an inspiring story. JazakAllahkhair for sharing.
There’s more testosterone in men.That’s the reason they’re ‘addicted’ to porn.I find it sad when wives don’t understand it or the men don’t even consider it an option.That’s the reason several ex-politicos have met their downfall.
It should be a celebration of life instead of an addiction.
Wow Saleh!
Your story is so inspiring. You’re right that there is more pleasure and blessings in NOT watching
porn. I hope inshallah it inspires others to follow you. JeanX, the difficulty with your point of view is that
it legitimizes a whole series of activities which can become addictive. It’s like saying to people who are obese ‘It’s OK for you to
carry on eating as you’ve got a slower metabolism’. Islam is about self discipline. It doesn’t say ‘don’t enjoy sex’,
it says ‘restrict it’. Those who do, don’t suffer, but enjoy a better life as Saleh has written so beautifully about.
Saleh, which form of Muslim Meditation do you follow? (ie Murakba)?There are two sites I’ve found that have helped me
in the past:
http://nurmuhammad.com/Meditation/Mainmeditationmuraqabah.htm
and
http://www.ulhaqbrothers.com
It has really good meditation sections
This is a Sufi practice. Beware of invotions and straying off the right path…brothers stick to Quran and Sunnah! and beware of inovations!
The Messenger (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) also warned against the People of Innovation, from befriending, supporting or taking from them saying: “Whoever innovates or accommodates an innovator then upon him is the curse of Allaah, His Angels and the whole of mankind.” Reported by Bukhaaree (12/41) and Muslim (9/140)
And he (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) also said: “ and every innovation is misguidance and all misguidance is in the Hellfire.” Reported by an-Nasaa’ee (1/224) from Jaabir bin Abdullaah and it is saheeh as declared by Shaikh ul-Islaam Ibn Taymiyyah in Majmoo’ ul-Fataawaa (3/58).
Narrated Abdullah ibn Amr
Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said: There will befall my Ummah exactly (all those) evils which befell the people of Isra’il, so much so that if there was one amongst them who openly committed fornication with his mother there will be among my Ummah one who will do that, and if the people of Isra’il were fragmented into seventy-two sects my Ummah will be fragmented into seventy-three sects. All of them will be in Hell Fire except one sect. They (the companions) said: Allah’s Messenger, which is that? Whereupon he said: It is one to which I and my companions belong.
Transmitted by Tirmidhi.
What im reffering to is Murakba.
Brother Ridwan,
Sufi’s are Muslims and Muraqabah is good for strengthening Iman. In this day and age, instead of arguing
about who is right or wrong, let’s strengthen our faith by working together. Great Sufis like Ibn Al-Arabi, Shaykh Abdul Qadir
Jilani and Maulana Rumi did great things for islam.
Don’t get off topic brother. The topic here is porno addiction, and a lot of brothers have found solace in Sufism.
I’m not a Sufi myself, but I know many Sufis and they are good brothers who pray Namaz five times a day and
do zikr a lot.
If they help people get over porn, what is the problem?
Barul
Ummah2ummah
Marakaba is bidaa and Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) (aka satanic hypnotic brainwashing) is A-OK? sad.